1/3 /\(3) | 2 1/3 | t dt cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) | \/ 1 The integral of t squared, dt From 1 to the cube root of 3 Times the cosine Of 3 PI over nine Is the log of the cube root of e % (1/2) / 3 | 3 1 3 x PI (1/2) | t dt - cos (------) = ln(e ) / 1 2 9 The integral, from one to root three, Of t to the third dt, Times half the cosine Of 3 pi over nine Is the log of the square root of e. % 1/2 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 7 A dozen, a gross and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! % A bad little girl in Madrid, A most reprehensible kid, Told her Tante Louise That her cunt smelled like cheese, And the worst of it was that it did! % A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. % A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? I am not I, I'm a tree." But another, more sane, Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" And covered his pants leg with pee. % A beautiful belle of Del Norte Is reckoned disdainful and haughty Because during the day She says: "Boys, keep away!" But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. % A beautiful lady named Psyche Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. One thing about Ike The lady can't like Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. % A beetling young woman named Pridgets Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; Off the end of a wharf She once pushed a dwarf Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. -- Edward Gorey % A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression Sold cigars at a key-club concession. When she swiveled about Even strong men cried out, For her costume did not keep her flesh in. % A bisexual chap name of Lunt Taught himself an unusual stunt. He could peel back his spout Turn the skin inside out Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! % A bobby of Nottingham Junction Whose organ had long ceased to function Deceived his good wife For the rest of her life With the aid of his constable's truncheon. % A broken-down harlot named Tupps Was heard to confess in her cups: "The height of my folly Was fucking a collie -- But I got a nice price for the pups." % A burlesque dancer, a pip Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; But she read science fiction And died of constriction Attempting a Moebius strip. -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" % A busy young lady named Gloria Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier And then by six men, Sir Gerald again, And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. % A cabin boy on an old clipper Grew steadily flipper and flipper. He plugged up his ass With fragments of glass And thus circumcised his old skipper. % A cautious young fellow named Lodge, Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. With his date all strapped in He committed a sin Without even leaving the garage. -- "A Boy and His Dog" % A cautious young fellow named Tunney Had a whang that was worth any money. When eased in half-way, The girl's sigh made him say, "Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." % A certain young man, it was noted, Went about in the heat thickly-coated; He said, "You may scoff, But I shan't take it off; Underneath I am horribly bloated." -- Edward Gorey % A certain young person of Ghent, Uncertain if lady or gent, Shows his organs at large For a small handling charge To assist him in paying the rent. % A certain young sheik of Algiers Said to his harem, "My dears, Though you may think it odd of me, I'm tired of just sodomy Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) % A chap down in Oklahoma Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, But the sweetness of pitch Couldn't put off the hitch Of impotence, size and aroma. % A charmer from old Amarillo, Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, Decided one day That to keep men away She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. % A chippy who worked in Black Bluff Had a pussy as large as a muff. It had room for both hands And some intimate glands, And was soft as a little duck's fluff. % A clergical student named Simms Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: A nice piece of ass Gets the B-Minor Mass ... All the others get Anglican hymns. % A clerical student named Pryne Through pain sought to reach the divine: He wore a hair shirt, Quite often ate dirt, And bathed every Friday in brine. -- Edward Gorey % A clever young man named Eugene Invented a jack-off machine. On the twenty-third stroke The fuckin' thing broke And beat both his balls to a cream. % A cocksucking steno named Beeman Remarked as she swallowed my semen : "On my minuscule salary I must watch every calorie, So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" % A computer called Illiac4 Had a rather tough bug in its core. It chewed up its cards And spewed yards and yards Of illegible tape on the floor. % A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo % A contortionist hailing from Lynch Used to rent out his tool by the inch. A foot cost a quid -- He could and he did Stretch it to three in a pinch. % A corpulent maiden named Kroll Had a notion exceedingly droll: At a masquerade ball, Dressed in nothing at all, She backed in as a Parker House roll. % A couple was fishing near Clombe When the maid began looking quite glum, And said, "Bother the fish! I'd rather coish!" Which they did -- which was why they had come. % A cowhand way out in Seattle Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. He said, "No, I can't fuck A lamb or a duck, But golly! it just fits the cattle." % A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. % A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. % A CS student named Lin Had a prick the size of a pin It was no good for girls But just great for squirrels Who squealed with delight with it in. % A cute little twerp from Samoa Had a cock of one inch and no moa. It was good for keyholes And debutantes' peeholes But not worth a damn on a whoa. % A daredevil skater named Lowe, Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, But is proudest of doing, Some incredible screwing, Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! % A deep-throated virgin named Netty Was sucking a cock on the jetty. She said, "It tastes nice, Much better than rice, Though not quite as good as spaghetti." % A delighted, incredulous bride Remarked to her groom at her side : "I never could quite Believe till tonight Our anatomies would coincide." % A dentist, young doctor Malone, Got a charming girl patient alone, And, in his depravity, Filled the wrong cavity. God, how his practice has grown. % A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, Let his third-story front, To a willing young cunt, Who supplied him a new lease on life! % A desperate spinster from Clare Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, And prayed to her God For a romp on the sod-- 'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. % A distinguished professor from Swarthmore Got along with a sexy young sophomore. As quick as a glance He stripped off his pants, But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. % A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. She blew her vagina To South Carolina, And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. They found her vagina, In South Carolina, And part of her ass in Brazil. % A doctoral student from Buckingham Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. But a dropout from paree Taught him Gamahuchee So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. % A dolly in Dallas named Alice, Whose overworked sex is all callous, Wore the foreskin away On uncircumcised Ray, Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. % A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. % A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis Wished to foster an aura of menace. To make people afraid He wore gloves of grey suede And white footgear intended for tennis. -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" % A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, Had achieved some reknown For her tone going down-- There's a nice civil tongue in her head. % A fair-haired young damsel named Grace Thought it very, very foolish to place Her hand on your cock When it turned hard as rock, For fear it would explode in your face. % A farmer I know named O'Doole Had a long and incredible tool. He can use it to plow, Or to diddle a cow, Or just as a cue-stick at pool. % A fellatrix's healthful condition Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. Her remarkable diet (I suggest that you try it) Was only her clients' emission. % A fellow whose surname was Hunt Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: This versatile spout Could be turned inside out, Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. % A fisherman off of Cape Cod Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" But the high-minded fish Resented his wish, And nimbly swam off with his rod. % A foolish geologist from Kissen Just didn't know what he was missin', By studying rock And neglecting his cock, And using it merely for pissin'. % A Frenchman who lived in Alsace Had sex with a virgin named Grace. When he popped her cherry, She made things hairy By bleeding all over his face. % A gay young prince from Morocco Made love in a manner rococco. He painted his penis To resemble a venus And flavored his semen with cocoa. % A geneticist living in Delft Scientifically played with himself, And when he was done He labled it: son, And filed him away on a shelf. % A gentleman, otherwise meek, Detested with passion the leek; When offered one out He dealt such a clout To the maid, she was down for a week. -- Edward Gorey % A german composer named Bruckner Remarked to a lady while fuckener : "Less lento, my dear, With your cute little rear; I like a hot presto when muckener!" % A gift was delivered to Laura From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; Wrapped in tissue and crepe, It was peeled, like a grape, And emitted a pale, greenish aura. -- Edward Gorey % A gifted young fellow from Sparta Was widely renowned as a farta'. He could fart anything From "Of Thee I Sing," To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." % A girl camper once had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. When she gave him his hat She realized that She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. % A girl of the Enterprise crew Refused every offer to screw. But a Vulcan named Spock Crawled under her smock, And now she is eating for two. % A girl of uncertain nativity Had an ass of extreme sensitivity While she sat on the lap Of a German or Jap, She could sense Fifth Column activity. % A graduate student named Zac Was said to be great in the sack. An inch of his boner Put girls in a coma And two gave them epileptic attacks. % A greedy young lady from Sidney Liked it in up to her kidney, Till a man from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck-- He really diddled her, didn' he? % A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds Once swallowed a package of seeds. In a month, his ass Was covered with grass And his balls were grown over with weeds. % A guest in a household quite charmless Was informed its eccentric was harmless: "If you're caught unawares At the head of the stairs, Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." -- Edward Gorey % A habit depraved and unsavory Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery. Midst screeches and howls, He deflowered young owls, Which he kept in an underground aviary. % A habit obscene and bizarre, Has taken a-hold of papa. He brings home young camels And other odd mammals, And gives them a go at mama. % A hacker who screwed a mag tape Was caught and convicted of rape. To jail he did go, From which, to his woe He couldn't get out with ESC. % A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk Made love to the drive of his disk. The thing circumsized him, Which rather suprised him. He wasn't aware of *that* risk. % A handsome young rodent named Gratian As a lifeguard became a sensation. All the lady mice waved And screamed to be saved By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. % A happy old hooker named Grace Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. It was hard for beginners To tell who were winners : There were cunt hairs all over the place. % A hardware debugger named Court Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. But its buffer array Only handled 1K, So the port's driver cut it off short. % A haughty young wench of Del Norte Would fuck only men over forty. Said she, "It's too quick With a young fellow's prick; I like it to last, and be warty." % A headstrong young woman in Ealing Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; When quizzed why she did, She replied, "To be rid Of a strange, overpowering feeling." -- Edward Gorey % A hearty young fellow named Yost Once had an affair with a ghost. At the height of the spasm The poor ectoplasm Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." % A hidebound young virgin named Carrie Would say, when the fellows got hairy : "Keep your prick in your pants Till the end of this dance--" Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. % A highly aesthetic young Jew Had eyes of a heavenly blue; The end of his dillie Was shaped like a lilly, And his balls were too utterly two! % A highway patrol buff named Claire, Once screwed half a troop on a dare, And her parts grew so hot, There was steam on her twat, So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! % A horny young fellow named Reg, Was jerking off under a hedge. The gardener drew near With a huge pruning shear, And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. % A huge-organed female in Dallas, Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, Was virgo intacto, Because, ipso facto, No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. % A joker who haunts Monticello Is really a terrible fellow. In the midst of caresses He fills ladies dresses With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. % A lacklustre lady of Brougham Weaveth all night at her loom. Anon she doth blench When her lord and his wench Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. % A lad from far-off Transvaal Was lustful, but tactful withal. He'd say, just for luck, "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. % A lad of the brainier kind Had erogenous zones in his mind. He got his sensations, By solving equations, (Of course, in the end, he went blind.) % A lad, at his first copulation, Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, Gyration, elation Throughout the duration, I guess I'll give up masturbation." % A lady born under a curse Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; From the back she would wail Through a thickness of veil: "Things do not get better, but worse." -- Edward Gorey % A lady both callous and brash Met a man with a vast black moustache; She cried, "Shave it, O do! And I'll put it with glue On my hat as a sort of panache." -- Edward Gorey % A lady from Kalamazoo Once found she had nothing to do, So she sat on the stairs And she counted her hairs: 4,302. % A lady from Old Little Rock In fidelity took little stock, And deserted her man In the streets of Japan For a boy with a prehensile cock. % A lady removing her scanties, Heard them crackle electrical chanties. Said her beau, "Have no fear, For the reason is clear: You simply have amps in your panties. % A lady stockholder quite hetera Decided her fortune to bettera: On the floor, quite unclad, She successively had Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... % A lady was seized with intent To revise her existence misspent. So she climbed up the dome Of St. Peter's in Rome, Where she stayed through the following Lent. -- Edward Gorey % A lady who signs herself "Vexed" Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: "I don't mind my shins Being stuck full of pins, But I fear I am coming unsexed." -- Edward Gorey % A lady with features cherubic Was famed for her area pubic. When they asked her its size She replied in surprise, "Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" % A lady, while dining in Crewe, Found an elephant's whang in her stew. Said the waiter, "Don't shout Or wave it about Or the others will ask for one, too." % A lass at the foot of her class Asked a brainier chick how to pass. She replied, "With no fuss You can get a B-plus, By letting the prof pat your ass." % A lecherous barkeep named Dale, After fucking his favorite female, Mixed Drambuie and scotch With the cream in her crotch For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. % A licentious old justice of Salem Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. But instead of a fine He would stand them in line, With his common-law tool to impale 'em. % A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. % A linguist thought it a farce That memory space was so sparse. One day they increased it. Said he as he seized it: "At last! Enough core for the parse". % A lonely young lad of Eton Used always to sleep with the heat on, Till he ran into a lass Who showed him her ass -- Now they sleep with only a sheet on. % A lovely young diver named Nancy, Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, The fish of Bonaire, Watched her Derriere, And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. % A lovely young maid from St. Jude Once rode through the streets in the nude. The police cried, "Whatam-- Agnificent bottom" And slapped it as hard as they cude. % A lusty young maid from Seattle Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; Till she found a bull Who filled her so full It made both her ovaries rattle. % A lusty young woodsman of Maine For years with no woman had lain, But he found sublimation At a high elevation In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! % A madam who ran a bordello Put come in her pineapple jello, For the rich, sexy taste And not wanting to waste That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. % A maestro directing in Rome Had a quaint way of driving it home. Whoever he climbed Had to keep her tail timed To the beat of his old metronome. % A maiden who lived in Virginny Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. The horsey set rushed her, But success finally crushed her For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. % A maiden who travelled in France Once got on a train, just by chance. The engineer fucked her, The conductor sucked her, And the fireman came in his pants. % A maiden who wrote of big cities Some songs full of love, fun and pities, Sold her stuff at the shop Of a musical wop Who played with her soft little titties. % A major, with wonderful force, Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. All the flowers looked round, But no horse could be found; So he just rhododendron, of course. % A man was once heard to boast, That he received a parcel by post, It contained, so we heard, A magnificent turd, And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. % A marine being sent to Hong Kong Got a doctor to alter his dong. He sailed off with a tool Flat and thin as a rule - When he got there he found he was wrong. % A mathematician named Hall Has a hexahedronical ball, And the cube of its weight Times his pecker's, plus eight Is his phone number -- give him a call... % A mathematician named Klein Thought the Mobius band was divine. Said he, "If you glue The edges of two, You'll get a weird bottle like mine! % A middle-aged codger named Bruin Found his love life completely in ruin, For he flirted with flirts Wearing pants and no skirts, And he never got in for no screwin'. % A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, Who was lonely and wanted a futter. She had nowhere to turn, So she diddled a churn, And managed to come with the butter. % A mortician who practised in Fife Made love to the corpse of his wife. "How could I know, Judge? She was cold, did not budge-- Just the same as she'd acted in life." % A nasty old drunk in Carmel Thinks it funny to piss in the well. He says, "Some don't favor That unusual flavor, But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" % A nervous young fellow named Fred Took a charming young widow to bed. When he'd diddled a while She remarked with a smile, "You've got it all in but the head." % A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. % A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. % A newly-wed man of Peru Found himself in a terrible stew: His wife was in bed Much deader than dead, And so he had no one to screw. % A newlywed couple from Goshen Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. In twenty-eight days They got laid eighty ways -- Imagine such fucking devotion! % A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, In the pleasures of men was well-versed. Reads the sign o'er the head Of her well-rumpled bed "The customer always comes first." % A novice was told by the Abbot: "Consider the goat and the rabbit. While they roll in the hay You just stay home and pray. You've got to get out of that habit." % A nudist resort at Benares Took a midget in all unawares. But he made members weep For he just couldn't keep His nose out of private affairs. % A nurse motivated by spite Tied her infantine charge to a kite; She launched it with ease On the afternoon breeze, And watched till it flew out of sight. -- Edward Gorey % A pansy who lived in Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, with which, and to whom. % A passionate red-haired girl When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, And her twat would get wet, And would wiggle and fret, And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. % A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux Fell in love with a dashing young beau. To arrest his regard She would squat in his yard And longingly pee in the sneaux. % A petulant man once said, "Pish, Your cunt is as big as a dish." She replied, "Why, you fool, With your limp little tool, It's like driving a pin with a fish." % A physical fellow named Fisk Could screw at a rate very brisk. So fast was his action The Fitzgerald contraction Would shrink up his rod to a disk. % A pious old woman named Tweak Had taught her vagina to speak. It was frequently liable To quote from the Bible, But when fucking -- not even a squeak! % A pious young lady named Finnegan Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; So time it aright, Make it last through the night, For I certainly don't want to sin again!" % A pious young lady of Chichester Made all of the saints in their niches stir And each morning at matin Her breast in pink satin Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. % A playful young chemist named Byrd Had an urge that could not be deferred. So to irritate Knox He shit in his sox, And plastered the walls with his turd. % A plumber whose name was John Brink Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. Her resistance was stout, And John Brink petered out, With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. % A potter who lived in Bombay Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; But the heat of his prick Kilned the damn thing to brick And chafed all his foreskin away. % A pretty wife living in Tours Demanded her daily amour. But the husband said, "No! It's to much. Let it go! My backsides are dragging the floor." % A pretty young boy known as Kevin Was raped in a pasture by seven Lascivious beasts (Oh, those Anglican priests) And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. % A pretty young lady named Vogel Once sat herself down on a molehill. A curious mole Nosed into her hole -- Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. % A pretty young maiden from France Decided she'd "just take a chance." She let herself go For an hour or so, And now all her sisters are aunts. % A princess who lived near a bog Met a prince in the form of a frog. Now she and her prince Are the parents of quints, Four boys and one fine polliwog. % A princess who reigned in Baroda Made her home on a purple pagoda. She festooned the walls Of her halls with the balls And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. % A programmer down in Moline Said, I'm the match for any machine. My secret's aversion, To loops and recursion, Just acres of in-line routine. -- W.J. Wilson % A progressive professor named Winners Held classes each evening for sinners. They were graded and spaced So the vile and debased Would not be held back by beginners. % A rapist who reeked of cheap booze Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. She cried, "I suppose There's no time for my clothes, But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" % A rapturous young fellatrix One day was at work on five pricks. With an unholy cry She whipped out her glass eye: "Tell the boys I can now take on six." % A reckless young lady of France Had no qualms about taking a chance, But she thought it was crude To get screwed in the nude, So she always went home with damp pants. % A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day In the usual way And save up the nights for perversions. % A responsive young girl from the East In bed was an able artiste. She had learned two positions From family physicians, And ten more from the old parish priest. % A romantic attraction has clung To a chap of whom damsels have sung: "'Tis the Scourge from the East, That lascivious beast Who was known as Attila the Hung!" % A sailor who slept in the sun, Woke to find his fly buttons undone, He remarked with a smile, "Good grief, a sun-dial! And now it's a quarter-past one." % A savvy young hooker named Gail Got busted and lodged in the jail. But the jailer got hot, To be lodged in her twat, And so Gail made the bail with her tail. % A scandal involving an oyster Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister She preferred it, in bed, To the count (so she said) 'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. % A scream from the crypt of St. Giles Resounded for miles upon miles. Said the friar, "Good gracious, The brother Ignatious Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." % A seafaring hacker named Slatey Went to bed with a VAX/780. The thing's learned to swear With a nautical air, And refers to its users as "matey". % A sex-loving coed named Bree Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. The joystick, she found, Had been fooling around With a neighboring student's PC. % A silly young man from Hong Kong Had hands that were skinny and long. He ate rice with his fingers-- The taste of it lingers, But now all his fingers are gone. % A slick talking pirate named Bruce To steal code, had a plan to seduce An Apple II+. Now Bruce wears a truss And was jailed for computer abuse. % A software technician from Digital Had hardware extremely prodigical. It's rumoured, I hear, That when he was near He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. % A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, Made love to a lovely girl sentry. She started to pout, Because it fell out, But the mission was saved by re-entry. % A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, His moment of sexual truth. He'd expected to fall On a womb's spongy wall But was dashed to his death on a tooth. % A spinster in Kalamazoo Once strolled after dark by the zoo. She was seized by the nape, And fucked by an ape, And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry A man with a prick Half as stiff and as thick As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." % A spunky young schoolboy named Fred Used totoss off each night while in bed. Said his mother, "Dear lad, That's exceedingly bad-- Jump in here with your mamma instead." % A starship commander named Kirk Emerged from his cabin berserk. He grabbed a girl yeoman Beneath the abdomen, And gave her a physical jerk. % A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, Was having a captive, a person Who was not averse Though she had the curse, And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. % A structured programmer named Drew Was intensely turned on by "goto". When he saw it in code He'd shoot off his load. It's a good thing his shop used so few. % A studious professor named Nestor Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. But she drained out his balls And skipped up the walls, Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. % A sweetheart named Teresa Arden Went down on her beau in the garden. He said, "Good lord, Tess, Don't swallow that mess!" And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" % A systems programmer named Sprotic Found his software intensely erotic. In jealous distress He wiped his OS. It's possible that he's psychotic. % A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. While the man detumesced She still spent on with zest, Her rapture sheer anachronism. % A talented girl from Detroit Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point or finer Or open it out like a quoit. % A team playing baseball in Dallas Called the umpire blind out of malice. While this worthy had fits The team made eight hits And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. % A teenage protester named Lil Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill First they bugged our martinis, Our bras and bikinis, And now they are bugging the pill." % A thrice-married gal from L.A. Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, The voyeur only gawked at it, And my most recent man's a gourmet." % A tidy young lady of Streator Dearly loved to nibble a peter. She always would say, "I prefer it this way. I think it is very much neater." % A timid young woman named Jane Found parties a terrible strain; With movements uncertain She'd hide in a curtain And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. -- Edward Gorey % A tired young trollop of Nome Was worn out from her toes to her dome. Eight miners came screwing, But she said, "Nothing doing; One of you has to go home!" % A trapper named Francois Lefebvre Once captured and buggered a beabvre. The result of this fuck Was a three titted duck, A canoe, and an Irish retriebvre. % A tutor who tooted a flute Tried to tutor two tutors to toot Said the two to the tutor: "Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tutors to toot" % A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. % A vengeful technician named Schmitz Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. He covered the platter With bats' fecal matter. Now it's seek time is really the pits. % A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. % A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. % A very odd pair are the Pitts: His balls are as large as her tits, Her tits are as large As an invasion barge-- Neither knows how the other cohabits. % A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile." % A water pipe suited miss Hunt; She used it for many a bunt. But the unlucky wench Got it caught in her trench --- It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, To get the thing out of her cunt. % A weary old lecher named Blott Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. Too lazy to rape her, He made darts out of paper, Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. % A whimsical fellow named Bloch Could beat the base drum with his cock. With a special erection He could play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach. % A wicked stone cutter named Cary Drilled holes in divine statuary. With eyes full of malice He pulled out his phallus, And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. % A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket Had a hole as big as a basket. A spot, as a bride, In it now, you could hide, And include with your luggage your mascot. % A widow who fancied a man some Was diddled three times in a hansome. When she clamored for more Her young man became sore And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." % A widow whose singular vice Was to keep her late husband on ice Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- I'll never defrost him! Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." % A wonderful bird is the pelican. His mouth can hold more than his belican. He can take in his beak Enough food for a week. I'm darned if I know how the helican. % A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, Renowned for the length of their peenies. The hair on their balls Sweeps the floors of their halls, But they don't look at women, the meanies. % A wood-fetish busboy named Gable Is rapid, is thorough, is able; But when everything's cleared, He gives way to the weird, As he lovingly busses each table. % A worn-out young husband named Lehr Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: "Slip on a sheath, quick, Then slip your big dick Between these lips covered with hair." % A worried young man from Stamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" % A young bride and groom of Australia Remarked as they joined genitalia : "Though the system seems odd, We are thankful that God Developed the genus Mammalia." % A young fellow discovered through Freud That although of penis devoid, He could practice coitus By eating a foetus, And his parents were quite overjoyed. % A young Juliet of St. Louis On a balcony stood acting screwy. Her Romeo climbed, But he wasn't well timed, And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! % A young lad named Lester McGraw Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. As he watched him stick her He said, with a snicker, "You do it much faster than Paw." % A young lady sat by the sea, Just as proper as proper could be. A young fellow goosed her, And roughly seduced her, So she thanked him and went home to tea. % A young lady who lived by the Usk Subsisted each day on a rusk; She ate the first bite Before it was light, And the last crumb sometime after dusk. -- Edward Gorey % A young maiden from France was no prude, She decided to dive in the nude, But her buddy, behind, Went out of his mind, When he noticed where she was tatooed. % A young man by a girl was desired To give her the thrills she required, But he died of old age Ere his cock could assuage The volcanic desire it inspired. % A young man from the banks of the Po Found his cock had elongated so, That when he'd pee It was never he But only his neighbors who'd know. % A young man grew increasingly peaky In a house where the hinges were squeaky, The ferns curled up brown, The ceilings flaked down, And all of the faucets were leaky. -- Edward Gorey % A young man maintained that his trigger Was so big that there weren't any bigger. But this long and thick pud Was so heavy it could Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. % A young man of acumen and daring, Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, Was left quite alone When it soon became known That their use at his board was unsparing. -- Edward Gorey % A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll While bent over plucking a dingle Had the whole of Eisteddfod Taking turns at his pod While they sang some impossible jingle. % A young man with passions quite gingery Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. He slapped her behind And made up his mind To add incest to insult and injury. % A young polo-player of Berkeley Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. In the midst of each chukker He would break off and fuck her Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. % A young systems programmer of Sprotic Found his software intensely erotic. In jealous distress He wiped his OS. It's possible that he's a psychotic. % A young violinist from Rio Was seducing a woman named Cleo. As she took down her panties She said, "No andantes; I want this allegro con brio!" % A young wife in the outskirts of Reims Preferred frigging to going to mass. Said her husband, "Take Jacques, Or any young cock, For I cannot live up to your ass." % A young woman got married at Chester, Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. Says she, "You're in luck, He's a stunning good fuck, For I've had him myself down in Leicester." % Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, Her figurehead They filled his ass, A whore in bed, With broken glass, Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper. The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! % According to experts, the oyster In its shell - a crustacean cloister - May frequently be Either he or a she Or both, if it should be its choice ter. % Alas for the Countess d'Isere, Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" When he parted her thighs; "Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." % All the female apes ran from King Kong For his dong was unspeakably long. But a friendly giraffe Quaffed his yard and a half, And ecstatically burst into song. % An aesthete from South Carolina Had a cock that tickled like China, But while shooting his load It cracked like old Spode, So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. % An agreeable girl named Miss Doves Likes to jack off the young men she loves. She will use her bare fist If the fellows insist But she really prefers to wear gloves. % An AI researcher named Bluth Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, Eroticon VI, Which he taught certain tricks Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. % An amazon giantess named Dunne Let a midget screw her for fun. But the poor little runt Was engulfed in her cunt And re-born as the twin of his son. % An ambitious lady named Harriet Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot By seventeen sailors A monk and three tailors, Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. % An anonymous woman we knew Was dozing one day in her pew; When the preacher yelled "Sin!" She said, "Count me in As soon as the service is through." % An architect fellow named Yoric Could, when feeling euphoric, Display for selection Three kinds of erection-- Corinthian,ionic,and doric. % An ardent young man named Magruder Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. She thought it quite lewd To be wooed in the nude, But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. % An Argentine gaucho named Bruno Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. Women are fine And sheep are divine But llamas are numero uno." % An ARPAnaut name of Corvette Had a fetish involving the net. As he fondled his IMP His cock went from limp To as hard as concrete which has set. % An arrogant wench from Salt Lake Liked to tease all the boys on the make. She was finally the prize Of a man twice her size And all she recalls is the ache. % An artist who lived in Australia Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. The drawing was fine, The colour -- divine, The scent -- ah, that was a failia. % An eager young hacker named Gus Once buggered a VAX Unibus. The hardware went bad, But not the young lad He didn't expect all that fuss! % An Edwardian father named Udgeon, Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, Used on Saturday nights To turn down the lights, And chase them around with a bludgeon. -- Edward Gorey % An envious girl named McMeanus Was jealous of her lover's big penis. It was small consolation That the rest of the nation Of women were with her in weeness. % An exotic young lady named Suki Once danced in a troupe of kabuki When asked for a fuck She said, "Solly, no luck-- See here: looky looky, no nuki " % An impish young fellow named James Had a passion for idiot games. He lighted the hair Of his lady's affair And laughed as she pissed through the flames. % An impotent Scot named MacDougall Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. He was gathering semen To gender a he-man, By screwing his wife through a bugle. % An incautious young woman named Venn Was seen with the wrong sort of men; She vanished one day, But the following May Her legs were retrieved from a fen. -- Edward Gorey % An indefatigable woman named Bavel Had often occasion to travel; On the way she would sit And furiously knit, And on the way back she'd unravel. -- Edward Gorey % An ingenious young man in South Bend Made a synthetic ass for a friend, But the friend shortly found Its construction unsound, It was simply a bother -- no end. % An innocent maiden named Herridge Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; When she later found out What her spouse was about, She threw herself under a carriage. -- Edward Gorey % An inquisitive virgin named Dora Asked the man who started to bore 'er : "Do you mean birds and bees Go through antics like these, To suppy us our fauna and flora?" % An irate young lady named Booker Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! If you want it queer ways, Go to whores for your lays!" So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. % An octagenerian Jew To his wife remained steadfastly true. This was not from compunction, But due to dysfunction Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. % An old couple just at Shrovetide Were having a piece -- when he died. The wife for a week Sat tight on his peak, And bounced up and down as she cried. % An old electronic designer Had designs on a minor named Dinah. He couldn't carry them out For his prick was too stout, And too small was the minor's vagina. % An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings Were a terrible trial to his siblings, But he was not removed Till one day it was proved That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. -- Edward Gorey % An old maid who had a pet ape Lived in fear of perpetual rape. His red, hairy phallus So filled her with malice That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. % An old man at the Folies Bergere Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: It snipped off a twat-curl From each new chorus girl, And he had a wig made of the hair. % An organist playing in York Had a prick that could hold a small fork, And between obbligatos He'd munch at tomatoes, To keep up his strength while at work. % An orgasmic young sex star named Sue Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. Her climatic fame spread With an ad blitz that said: Coming soon at a theater near you! % An uptight young lady named Breerley Who valued her morals too dearly Had sex, so I hear, Only once every year, And she strained her vagina severely. % And earnest young woman in Thrace Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" So he gave her a thwack, And did on her back, What he couldn't have done face to face. % And then there's the story that's fraught With disaster -- of balls that got caught, When a chap took a crap In the woods, and a trap Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! % As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. Since he thinks it's effete To be beating his meat, What he's into is licking his chops. % As he came in his chubby choirboy, Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! If no sodomy levens And possible heavens, Existence will merely annoy." % As the breeches-buoy swung towards the rocks, Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! I could not bear the loss, For with scarlet silk floss My mama has embroidered their clocks." -- Edward Gorey % As tourists inspected the apse An ominous series of raps Came from under the altar, Which caused some to falter And others to shriek and collapse. -- Edward Gorey % Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, "Do I sin if I do what I want, if I screw a young nun In the eastertide sun?" His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." % At a contest for farting in Butte One lady's exertion was cute : It won the diploma For fetid aroma, And three judges were felled by the brute. % At a dance, a girl from Connecticut Showed an absolute absence of etiquette Letting all comers press Through the skirt of her dress And wiping the mess with her petticoat. % At the end of all civilization Is the planet Terminus's location. There's a girl there whose feat, Without stone or concrete, Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. % At the moment Japan declared war A sailor was fucking a whore. He said, "After this poke `Long and hard' ain't no joke; This means months 'til I get back ashore." % At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; It beats all night long A dirge on a gong As it staggers about in the creepers. -- Edward Gorey % At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, Though of love we are never penurious. Thanks to vulcanized aids, Though we may die old maids, At least we shall never die curious. % At whist drives and strawberry teas Fan would giggle and show off her knees; But when she was alone She'd drink eau de cologne, And weep from a sense of unease. -- Edward Gorey % Augustus, for splashing his soup, Was put for the night on the stoop; In the morning he'd not Repented a jot, And next day he was dead of the croup. -- Edward Gorey % Back in the days of old Adam The grass served as mattress for madam, And they spent the whole day On the sex that today They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. % Conflicting research paradigms Have legitimized various crimes. The worst we can see Is in psychology, Measuring reaction times. % Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches Got on with her grooms and her wenches: She went down on the gents, And pronged the girl's vents With a clitoris reaching six inches. % De Hispanice puella verumque Simplex oris verborumque Tulit potens vagina Hominum agmina Iterum iterum iterumque. % Despising machines to a man, The Luddites joined up with the Klan, And ride out by night In a sheeting of white To lynch all the robots they can. -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson % Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? He was blown down the street by a rocket. The force of the blast Blew his balls up his ass, And his pecker was found in his pocket. % Don't dip your wick in a WAC, Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, Just sit in the sand And do it by hand, And buy bonds with the money you save. % Down by the old model T, Where she first showed it to me. It was furry and black, And she called it a crack, But it looked like a manhole to me. % DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell Built a world-circling pussy cartel, And by planned obsolescence, So controlled detumescence, A poor man could not get a smell. % Each Friday his engines abort, But Scotty is never caught short. He fills his machines With space-navy beans, And farts the ship back into port. % Each night Father fills me with dread When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; I'd not mind that he speaks In gibbers and squeaks, But for the seventeen years he's been dead. -- Edward Gorey % Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, Ich hore Mann kommen." "Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." % Ethnologists up with the Sioux Wired home for two punts, one canoe. The answer next day, Said, "Girls on the way, But what the hell's a `panoe'?" % Exuberant Sue from Anjou Found that fucking affected her hue. She presented to sight Nipples pink, bottom white; But her asshole was purple and blue. % Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the Mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip. % Floating idly one day through the air, A circus performer named Blair, Tied a sizeable rock, To the end of his cock, And shattered a balcony chair. % Fond of equestrians, Mabel Looked for true love in the stable. But she found the studs, For her were all duds, Now she's out with the leg of a table. % For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, Getting housewives' attention's no chore: He's endowed with a dong That is 12 inches long, So he wedges his foot in the door. % For the sores on his prick he used Dial. That failed; he gave Lava a trial. But the one remedy For contagious V.D. Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. % "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, "You have told me my bosom is snowy; You have made much fine verse on Each part of my person, Now do something -- there's a good boy!" % From deep in the crypt at St. Giles Came a bellow that echoed for miles. Said the rector, "My gracious, Has Father Ignatius Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" % From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, There is really abominable news; They've discovered a head In the box for the bread, But nobody seems to know whose. -- Edward Gorey % From the bathing machine came a din As of jollification within; It was heard far and wide, And the incoming tide Had a definite flavour of gin. -- Edward Gorey % "Fucked by the finger of Fate!" Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. "Since dating Miss Baugh, My whole tongue has been raw-- It must have been something I ate." % Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. It makes you sick, it makes you well, It turns your spine to fucking jell, It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. % Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. But her genital area Is so vast it'll scareya, And you venture inside at your peril. % God's plan made a hopeful beginning But man spoiled his chances by sinning. We trust that the story Will end in God's glory But at present, the other side's winning. % Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, Who came to Rumania's rescue? It's a wonderful thing To be under a king-- Is democracy better, I esk you? % Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? Some people say, Love finds a way, But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. % Have you heard of the lady named Cox Who had a capacious old box? When her lover was in place She said, "Please turn your face. I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." % Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? How they lift the frock And tickle the cock Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? % Having made a remark rather coarse, A young lady was seized with remorse; She fled from the room, And later, a groom Saw her rolling about in the gorse. -- Edward Gorey % He dove down overweighted with lead. Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. He flapped and he flailed, Spit his hose and he wailed, Swallowed water and found himself dead. % He hated to mend, so young Ned Called in a cute neighbor instead. Her husband said, "Vi, When you stitched up his torn fly, Did you have to bite off the thread?" % He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. Then his gargantuan pole in Her pink, tight, and swollen Young cunt just about drove her crazy. % He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. So he put Spanish fly In their pudding and pie And had the first tiny-tot orgy. % "Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, "I won't suck his filthy old prick! It's not that I funk At a mouthful of spunk, But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" % Her brother, a bastard named Ben, Could rotate his pecker, and then He would shoot through his rear Which made him dear Of the girls, and the envy of men. % Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, Had morals the city might soften. So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, Are you living in sin?" Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." % His shy bride admitted to Crandall That for years she'd worked off with a candle, But a cock like his dick Gave her ten times the kick, Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! % I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" I replied, "Simple shagging Without any wagging Is only for screwing canoeing." % "I do love a lay every day, So whenever you're coming this way Just phone in advance And I'll jerk off my pants, And we're set for a sexy soiree!" % I know of a fortunate Hindu Who is sought in the towns that he's been to By the ladies he knows, Who are thrilled to the toes By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. % I met a young man in Chungking Who had a very long thing -- But you'll guess my surprise When I found that its size Just measured a third-finger ring! % I never had Miss Defauw, But it wouldn't have been quite so raw If she'd only said "No" When I wanted her so; But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" % I once had the wife of a Dean Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. She remarked with some gaiety, "Not bad for the laiety, Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." % I once met a lassie named Ruth In a long distance telephone booth. Now I know the perfection Of an ideal connection Even if somewhat uncouth. % I once was annoyed by a queer Who made his intentions quite clear. Said I, "I'm no prude, So don't think me rude, But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." % I wish that my room had a floor; I don't so much care for a door, But this walking around Without touching the ground Is getting to be quite a bore! -- Gelett Burgess % I wonder what my wife will want tonight; Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? I wonder can she tell That I've been raising hell; Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? My wife is just as nice as can be, I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. For an afternoon of joy, Is hell on the old boy, I wonder what the wife will want tonight! % I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. She said it was crude To be wooed in the nude-- I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! % I would like to say, Mister Bunce, I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. And in all my lewd life I've met none like your wife, So why leave her to me, you big dunce? % I'd rather have fingers than toes, I'd rather have ears than a nose, And a happy erection Brought just to perfection Makes me terribly sad when it goes. % If continence causes neurosis And intercourse causes thrombosis I'd rather expire Fulfilling desire Than live in a state of psychosis. % If you find for your verse there's no call, And you can't afford paper at all, For the true poet born, However forlorn, There is always the lavat'ry wall. % If you're speaking of actions immoral The how about giving the laurel To doughty Queen Esther, No three men could best her -- One fore, and one aft, and one oral. % If your thesis is utterly vacuous, Employ first-order predicate calculus. With sufficient formality, The sheerest banality, Will be hailed by all as miraculous! % Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; Il la mene chaque soir A son caveau noir Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. -- Edward Gorey % Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, Qui n'avait que peu de religion. Il dit:"quant a' moi, Je deteste tous les trois, Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" % Il y avait un plombier, Francois, Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. Dit-elle, "Arretez! J'entends quelqu'un venait." Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." % Il y avait une madame de Lahore Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, Mais la vagine tres forte, Toujours ouverte la porte, Encore, et encore, et encore. % In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. His wife said, "Oh, stuff That philosophy guff Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" % In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, But this lubricant lapse Isn't noticed, perhaps Because nobody does in Duluth. % In my sweet little Alice Blue gown Was the first time I ever laid down, I was both proud and shy As he opened his fly And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. Oh it hung almost down to the ground, As it went in I made not a sound, The more that he shoved it The more that I loved it, As he came on my Alice Blue gown. % In my sweet little night gown of blue, On the first night that I slept with you, I was both shy and scared As the bed was prepared, And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. As we both watched the break of day, And in peaceful submission I lay, You said you adored it But dammit, you tore it, My sweet little night gown of blue. % In the case of a lady named Frost, Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, It's the best part of valor To bugger the gal, or You're apt to fall in and get lost. % In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. % In the little French town of Le'Beau, Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. At a masquerade ball, Clad in nothing at all, She backed in as a Parker house roll. % In the shade of the old apple tree Where between her fat legs I could see A little brown spot With the hair in a knot, And it certainly looked good to me. I asked as I tickled her tit If she thought that my big thing would fit. She said it would do So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. In the soft dewy grass I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. Her ass it was fine But you should have seen mine In the shade of the old apple tree. % It always delights me at Hank's To walk up the old river banks. One time in the grass I stepped on an ass, And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." % It had snowed, and the man in the drift, Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" They sat in her Bentley, She fondled him gently, And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! % It takes little strain and no art To bang out an echoing fart. The reaction is hearty When you fart at a party, But the sensitive persons depart. % King Louis gave a lesson in class, One time while enjoying a lass. When she used the word "Damn" He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." % "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, "In a long-distance telephone booth, I enjoyed the perfection Of an ideal connection -- I was screwed, if you must know the truth." % Les salons de la ville de Trieste Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; Parmi les grandes chaises On cause des malaises, Des estropiements, et des pestes. -- Edward Gorey % Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects. % Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects. % Love letters no longer they write us, To their homes they so seldom invite us. It grieves me to say, They have learned with dismay, We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. % Marlene wanted Joy to relent, She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. If you want to get laid, Then we'll have to tribade!" (But Joy didn't know what she meant.) % McCoy's a seducer galore, And of virgins he has quite a score. He tells them, "My dear, You're the Final Frontier, Where man never has gone before." % Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, Afflicted with psychotic warps. His idea of fun Is to bugger a nun, And then vomit all over the corpse. % Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. When he's under the weather They can't get together, So others get into her box. % `My trip? It was vile. Balaclava I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. The ship was all white But it creaked in the night, And the band, they did not know la java." -- Edward Gorey % Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle Who said with a wink and a smile, "Sure, please stick it in, Be it thick be it thin, But if rough I won't do as a file." % Oden the bardling averred His muse was the bum of a bird, And his Lesbian wife Would finger his fife While Fisherwood waited as third. % Of his face she thought not very much, But then, at the very first touch, Her attitude shifted -- He was terribly gifted At frigging and fucking and such. % Oh pity the prince, Montezuma He tried to make love to a puma. Seems the puma, in play, Tore his testes away -- An example of animal huma. % Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, The poor wench doth stammer, "I need a sledgehammer To pound a man into my vent." % On a cannibal isle near Malaysia Lives a lady they call Anastasia. Not russian elite- She's eager to eat Whatever or whoever lays her. % On a ship wrecked far out at sea, The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." "Aha!" said the mate, "That settles the fate Of the captain, the pilot, and me." % On day a Monterey daughter Did scuba down under the water. She later turned up The mom of a pup, And they say t'was a otter that gotter. % On the breast of a lady named Gail, Was tattooed the price of her tail. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information -- in Braille. % On the porch of a dude named Horatio, His girl got a yen for fellatio. As she sucked on his dingus He tried cunnilingus But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. % Once a young gay from Khartoum, Took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom. % Once was a hooker named Gail, Busted and sent-off to jail, She liked the jailer, He wanted to nail her, So Gail made bail with her tail. % One evening a guru had coitus With an actress, a whore and a poetess. When asked what position He used for coition, He answered serenely, "the lotus." % One night a girl had an affair With a fellow all covered with hair. Then she picked up his hat And realized that She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. % Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, Has invented a new kind of car. With a tank full of shit There's no stopping it -- For short trips, two poots take you far. % Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" She declined and declined Till approached from behind... When her summer turned out quite a bummer! % Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, He announced as he folded with flair, "I had four of a kind, But those aces combined, Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." % Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. At her first sight of one She started to run, And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. % Pour guerir un acces de fievre Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; Il le prit a son trou, Et fit faire un ragout Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. -- Edward Gorey % Prince Absalom lay with his sister And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, But the kid was so tight, And it was deep night -- Though he shot at the target, he missed her. % Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor For having it off with his Mater; Revenge Dad or not? That's the gist of the plot, And he did -- nine soliloquies later. -- Stanley J. Sharpless % Prope mare erat tubulator Qui virginem ingrediebatur. Dessine ingressus Audivi progressus: Est mihi inquit tubulator. % Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, "The men like to spread my two legs, Then slip in between, If you know what I mean, And leave me the white of their eggs." % Said a decadent wench of Bombay : "This has been a most wonderful day. Three cherry tarts, At least twenty farts, Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." % Said a girl who upon her divan Was attacked by a virile young man: "Such excess of passion Is quite out of fashion" And she fractured his wrist with her fan. -- Edward Gorey % Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : "What care I for this shortage of gum? My favorite chew Is a condom or two, With a goodly amount of fresh come." % Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, "My favorite sport is coitus." But a fullback from State Made her period late, And now she has athlete's fetus % Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, "You must seize it, and squeeze it, And tease it, and please it, For Rome wasn't built in a day." % Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; Of all the girls that I've had, None gave me the thrill Of real rapture until I learned how to be a tribade." % Said a madam named Mamie La Farge To a sailor just off of a barge, "We have one girl that's dead, With a hole in her head-- Of course there's a slight extra charge." % Said a modest young miss to de Sade, I'm simply too shy and afraid To take part in your pranks. But to show you my thanks, I'd just love to become your first aide. % Said a pornographistic young poet "Although I perhaps do not show it, My interest in sin Is wearing quite thin, And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." % Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with!" % Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : "The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." Uhura said, "No, At night that's not so-- He doesn't withdraw for an hour." % Said Einstein, "I have an equation Which to some may seem rabelaisian: Let _V be virginity Approaching infinity; Let _P be a constant persuasion; "Let _V over _P be inverted With the square root of _M_u inserted _N times into _V ... The result, Q.E.D., Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. % Said Francesca, "My lack of volition Is leading me straight to perdition; But I haven't the strength To go to the length Of making an act of contrition." -- Edward Gorey % Said President Jobcock one day : "War's better than love, I should say. Instead of a virgin, It's murder I'm urgin'-- You get lots more blood that-a-way." % Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : "Only infidel dogs put it in. Back home in Arabia We nibble the labia Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." % Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, In a cunt halfway up to his ears : "This nautch is delicious, And without doubt nutritious. She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" % Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, "Young man, do you fart when you pee?" I replied with some wit, "Do you belch when you shit?" I think that was one up for me. % Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, "This must be our final adieu, For the vicar is slicker, And thicker, and quicker, And two inches longer than you." % Saint Peteer was once heard to boast That he'd had all the heavenly host : The Father and Son, And then - just for fun - The hole in the Holy Ghost. % Says an airlining wanton named Vi: "I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. To a muffer's delight, I'll take head on a flight, So the guy can have pie in the sky." % She begged and she pleaded for more. I said, "We've already had four, And I'm sure that you've heard, Though it's somewhat absurd, That eros spelt backwards is sore." % She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her She took off like a glider, And gave up her lover forever. % She stood there and peeled off her clothes, And begged for a bang : goodness knows I am surely impure And I sizzled to scrure, But the push had gone out of my hose. % She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, When the chain on her motorcycle broke, Now she's lying in the grass, With the muffler up her ass, And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. % She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." Not because, when she came in, he kr., But she knew, just before She opened the door, This same Mr. had kr. sr. % She wasn't what one could call pretty And other girls offered her pity, So nobody guessed That her Wasserman test Involved half the men in the city. % Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! I'm agog with excitement today! And the reason of course, A reliable source, Said the snow blower's heading this way!" % Sighed a neat little package named Annie : "I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, Plus the yen, but the men Only call now and then-- Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" % "Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, "Come on, take it out, and let's play." He pulled it on out, But she started to pout, His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. % So here was this fellow of Strensall Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, Anemic, 'tis true, But an interesting screw, Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. % So it's ai yi yi yi, Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, And waltz me around by my willie! There once was a man from Nantucket! Whose cock was so long he could suck it! He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin, If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! So it's ai yi yi yi, Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, And waltz me around by my willie! There once was a young man from Boston! Who drove around town in an Austin! There was room for his ass, And a gallon of gas, So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! % So it's ai yi yi yi, Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, And waltz me around by my willie! There once was a man from Racine! Who invented a screwing machine! Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean! So it's ai yi yi yi, Your girlfriend douches with Drano! So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, And waltz me around by my willie! One night a girl had an affair! With a fellow all covered with hair! His enormous red whang, Gave her a wonderful bang -- She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! % Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, Drank up several bottles of sherry; In the Yard around three They were shrieking with glee: "Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" -- Edward Gorey % Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, She obliges all who accost her. She welcomes the prick Of Tom, Harry or Dick, Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. % That Harvard don down at El Djim -- Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, With the whole harem randy, The sheik himself handy, To muss up a young camel's quim. % That naughty old Sappho of Greece Said: "What I prefer to a piece Is to have my pudenda Rubbed hard by the enda The little pink nose of my niece." % The acrobats -- Tom and Louise -- Do an act in the nude on their knees. They crawl down the aisle While screwing dog-style, As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." % The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, Fell into the water baptismal; Ere they'd gathered its plight, It had sunk out of sight, For the depth of the font was abysmal. -- Edward Gorey % The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : They have kept me awake for a week. Why do newlyweds Select squeaky beds To develop their fucking technique? % The bishop of Alexandretta Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. So he thought he'd enshrine her As the Holy Vagina In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. % The bustard's a remarkable fowl With surely no reason to growl He escapes what would be Illegitimacy By the grace of a fortunate vowel. % The cruelest of creatures' the crab With claws that can pinch you or stab, And then when you dine On crab and white wine It gets you as well with the tab. % The Dowager Duchess of Spout Collapsed at the height of a rout; She found strength to say As they bore her away: "I should never have taken the trout." -- Edward Gorey % The Enterprise crew when off work Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. Uhura the Zulu Is shacked up with Sulu, And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. % The Enterprise girls, so one hears, Have chased Spock for several years. His look of disdain Has spared them great pain, For his prick is as sharp as his ears. % The fearless old bishop of Brest Put his faith in the Lord to the test. He fucked whores in the apse With chancres and claps, But first they were sprinkled and blessed. % The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley Came to light with its face in its belly; Her second was born With a hump and a horn, And her third was as shapeles as jelly. -- Edward Gorey % The genital area of Ann Will accommodate any size man, From the wee that cause titters To the mighty twat-splitters That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. % The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint My back aches, my pussy is sore; I simply can't fuck any more; I'm covered with sweat, And you haven't come yet, And my God, it's a quarter to four! % The Grecians were famed for fine art, And buildings and stonework so smart. They distinguished with poise The men from the boys, And used crowbars to keep them apart. % The King named Oedipus Rex Who started this fuss about sex Put the world to great pains By the spots and the stains Which he made on his mother's pubex. % The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, And cried, "Oh, my dear, I am coming, I fear, But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." % The kings of Peru were the Incas, Who were known far and wide as great drincas. They worshipped the sun And had lots of fun, But the peasants all thought they were stincas. % The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. Where ten thousand virgins Succumbed to his urgin's There now stands the great State of Utah. % The latest reports from Good Hope State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, And fuck high, wide, and free, From the top of one tree To the top of the next -- what a scope! % The limerick is furtive and mean; You must keep her in close quarantine, Or she sneaks to the slums And promptly becomes Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. -- Morris Bishop % The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. Once Congress in session, Declared its suppression, But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. % The long-peckered Bey of Algiers Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. A demon for semen, This buffersome he-man Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. % The moyel who treated young Alec Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. Presented the child His aim was so wild He rendered the poor boy biphallic. % The new cinematic emporium Is not just a super-sensorium, But a highly effectual Heterosexual Mutual masturbatorium. % The nipples of Sarah Sarong When excited are twelve inches long This embarassed her lover Who was pained to discover She expected no less of his dong % The notorious Duchess of Peels Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. Said she, "Would you mind? -- Shove one up my behind. I am anxious to know how it feels." % The office brown-noser named Bunky Would claim he was nobody's flunky. But when the chips were all down, His proboscis was brown, And there hung many strands which were gunky. % The old archeologist, Throstle, Discovered a marvelous fossil. He knew from its bend And the knot on the end, 'Twas the penis of Paul the Apostle. % The once was a man from Bombay Who modeled his cunts out of clay So hot was his prick That he turned them to brick And rubbed all his foreskin away. % The partition of Vavasour Scowles Was a sickener: they came on his bowels In a firkin; his brain Was found clogging a drain, And his toes were inside of some towels. -- Edward Gorey % The prick of the engineer, Scott, Fell off from Saturnian rot. He went to the basement And made a replacement Of tungsten and plastic and snot. % The randy old Bey of Algiers Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, Tried a cunt for a change, And remarked : "It felt strange ... Just think what I've missed all these years!" % The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called a girl a most elegant creature. So she laid on her back And, exposing her crack, Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" % The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher Called a hen a most elegant creature. The hen, pleased with that, Laid an egg in his hat -- And thus did the hen reward Beecher. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes % The Shah of the Empire of Persia Lay for days in a sexual merger. When the nautch asked the Shah, "Won't you ever withdraw?" He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." % The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray At breakfast with horrid dismay, So he launched off the spoons The pits from his prunes At their heads as they neared the buffet. -- Edward Gorey % The skater, Barbara Ann Scott Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, That when posed on her toes She elaborately shows Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. % The spouse of a pretty young thing Came home from the wars in the spring. He was lame but he came With his dame like a flame -- A discharge is a wondeful thing. % The star of that X-rated hit Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. This serves as a palace For each turgid phallus-- Some say that the plot is pure shit. % The Sultan was peeved with his harem, And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. He caught a big mouse Which he loosed in the house. (Such confusion is called harem-scarem). % "The testes are cooler outside," Said the doc to the curious bride, "For the semen must not Get too fucking hot, And the bag fans your bum on the ride." % The wife of young Richard of Limerick Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, Still grows in diameter Each time that you ram at her; How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" % The woman who lives on the moon Is still cherishing the balloon Of an earthling who'd come And given her some, But had dribbled away all too soon. % The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter Is not merely reading a meter. By orders of Kirk A part of his work Is dosing the food with saltpeter. % The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. I'll tell you a story-- It won't take me long-- Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. There was an old fellow and what do you think? He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. He whacked it, he hacked it, He ate it with glee- Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? This charming old chap had a sister as well : She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. Her cunt was so dirty It stank like a beast, And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. What a wonderful family! What marvellous style! I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. Their odor and diet Won't soon be forgotton, And one day you and I may be equally rotten. % There a young man from the Coast Who had an affair with a ghost. At the height of orgasm Said the pallid phantasm, "I think I can feel it -- almost!" % There are some things we mustn't expose, So we hide them away in our clothes. Oh, it's shocking to stare At what's certainly there-- But why this is so, heaven knows. % There is a young faggot named Mose Who insists that you fuck his long nose. And you'll double the joy Of this lecherous boy If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. % There is a young lady named Aird, Whose bottom is always kept bared. When asked why she pouts, She says "The Boy Scouts, All beg me to please Be Prepared!" % There once was a bishop from Birmingham Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. As they knelt on the hassock He lifted his cassock And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. % There once was a boy named Carruthers Who was busily fucking his mother "I know it's a sin," He said, shoving it in, "But it's better than blowing my brother." % There once was a chick named Longet, Who went out to Aspen to play. Along came a Spyder, Who sat down beside her And she blew the poor bastard away. % There once was a clergyman's daughter Who detested the pony he bought her, Till she found that its dong Was as hard and as long As the prayers her father had taught her. She married a fellow named Tony Who soon found her fucking the pony. Said he, "What's it got, My dear, that I've not?" Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." % There once was a couple named Kelley, Who lived their life belly to belly. Because in their haste They used library paste, Instead of petroleum jelly. % There once was a dentist named Stone Who saw all his patients alone. In a fit of depravity He filled the wrong cavity, And my, how his practice has grown! % There once was a Duchess of Beever Who slept with her golden retriever. Said the potted old Duke : "Such tricks make me puke! Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." % There once was a Duchess of Bruges Whose cunt was incredibly huge. Said the king to this dame As he thunderously came: "Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" % There once was a fairy named Avers Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. Though buggers all claimed That their asses were maimed, Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. % There once was a fellow named Bob Who in sexual ways was a snob. One day he was swimmin' With twelve naked women And deserted them all for a gob. % There once was a fellow named Brewster Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, "It used to be grand But look at my hand You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." % There once was a fellow named Howard, Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, While grabbing some ass, He reached critical mass, But think of the girl he deflowered! % There once was a fellow named Potts Who was prone to having the trots But his humble abode Was without a commode So his carpet was covered with spots. % There once was a fellow named Siegel Who attempted to bugger a beagle, But the mettlesome bitch Turned and said with a twitch, "It's fun, but you know it's illegal." % There once was a fellow named Sweeney Who spilled gin all over his weenie. Not being uncouth, He added vermouth And slipped his amour a martini. % There once was a fiesty young terrier Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. He'd yip and he'd yap, Then leap up and snap; And the fairer the derriere the merrier. % There once was a floozie named Annie Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: A buck for a fuck, Fifty cents for a suck, And a dime for a feel of her fanny. % There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin, A virgin named Joan From a bible belt home, Said "This won't be much of a sin." % There once was a gangster named Brown -- the sneakiest bastard in town. He was caught by G-men Shooting his semen Where the cops would slip and fall down. % There once was a gaucho named Bruno, Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, Sheep are just fine, Chickens, divine, But iguanas are Numero Uno." % There once was a gay young Parisian Who screwed an appendix incision, And the girl of his choice Could hardly rejoice At the horrible lack of precision. % There once was a girl from Cornell Whose teats were shaped like a bell. When you touched them they shrunk, Except when she was drunk, And then they got bigger than hell. % There once was a girl from Decatur, Who got laid by a big alligator. Now nobody knew The result of that screw, 'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. % There once was a girl from Madras Who had such a beautiful ass -- It was not round and pink (As you bastards think) But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. % There once was a girl from Spokane, Went to bed with a one-legged man. She said, "I know you-- You've really got two! Why didn't you say so when we began?" % There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. % There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene. % There once was a girl named Louise Who cunt hair hung down to her knees The crabs in her twat Tied the hairs in a knot And constructed a flying trapeze % There once was a girl named Mcgoffin Who was diddled amazingly often. She was rogered by scores Who'd been turned down by whores, And was finally screwed in her coffin. % There once was a girl named Priscilla Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. The taste was so fine Man and beast stood in line (Including a stud armadilla). % There once was a girl so lovely, Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, She strapped on her tanks, And started her pranks, But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. % There once was a golfer named Leer, Who got put in the clink for a year, For an action obscene, On the very first green. Where the sign said "Enter course here." % There once was a gouty old colonel Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, And he cried in his tiffin For his prick wouldn't stiffen, And the size of the thing was infernal. % There once was a guardsman from Buckingham Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. But when I meet boys, God! how I enjoys Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." % There once was a hacker named Ken Who inherited truckloads of Yen. So he built him some chicks, Of silicon chips, And hasn't been heard from since then. % There once was a handsome young seaman Who with ladies was really a demon. In peace or in war, At sea or on shore, He could certainly dish out the semen. % There once was a horny old bitch With a motorized self-frigger which She would use with delight All day long and all night - Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. % There once was a horse named Lily Whose dingus was really a dilly. It was vaginoid duply, And labial quadruply -- In fact, he was really a filly. % There once was a husky young Viking Whose sexual prowess was striking. Every time he got hot He would scour the twat Of some girl that might be to his liking. % There once was a jolly old bloke Who picked up a girl for a poke. He took down her pants, Fucked her into a trance, And then shit into her shoe for a joke. % There once was a kiddie named Carr Caught a man on top of his mar. As he saw him stick 'er, He said with a snicker, "You do it much faster than par." % There once was a lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. % There once was a lady from Kansas Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. It was nine inches deep And the sides were quite steep -- It had whiskers like General Carranza's. % There once was a lady named Carter, Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. She stripped off his pants, At his prick quickly glanced, And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" % There once was a lady named Clair, Who posessed a magnificent pair. Or that's what I thought, Till I saw one get caught, On a thorn and begin losing air. % There once was a lady named Myrtle Who had an affair with a turtle. She had crabs, so they say, In a year and a day Which proved that that turtle was fertile. % There once was a lawyer named Rex With minuscule organs of sex. Arraigned for exposure, He maintained with composure, "De minimis non curat lex." [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] % There once was a lifeguard named Lee Who rescued a girl from the sea She asked how to pay, And he said "Try this way, Go down for the third time on me." % There once was a maid from Mobile Whose cunt was made of blue steel. She only got thrills From pneumatic drills And an off-centered emery wheel. % There once was a man from Bombay He would do it all night and all day He soon became sore You shoulda' heard him roar When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! % There once was a man from Calcutta Who used to beat off in the gutta The heat of the sun Affected his gun And turned all his cream into butta! % There once was a man from Dunoon, Who always ate soup with a fork. He said "When I eat Either fish, foul or flesh, I otherwise finish too quick." % There once was a man from Exameter Who had a prodigious diameter But it wasn't the size That brought forth the cries 'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. % There once was a man from Madras, Whose balls were made out of brass. When they clanged together, They played "Stormy Weather", And lightning shot out of his ass. % There once was a man from Nantee Who buggered an ape in a tree. The results were most horrid All ass and no forehead Three balls and a purple goatee. % There once was a man from Nantucket Who kept all his cash in a bucket. His daughter, named Nan, Ran away with a man, And as for the bucket, Nantucket. The pair of them went to Manhasset, (Nan and the man with the asset.) Pa followed them there, But they left in a tear, And as for the asset, Manhasset. Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, (Nan and the man with the bucket.) Pa said to the man, "You're welcome to Nan." But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. % There once was a man from Nantucket Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." % There once was a man from Racine, Who invented a screwing machine. Both concave and convex, It could please either sex, But, oh, what a bastard to clean! % There once was a man from Sandem Who was making his girl on a tandem. At the peak of the make She jammed on the brake And scattered his semen at random. % There once was a man from Sydney Who could put it up to her kidney. But the man from Quebec Put it up to her neck; He had a big one, now didn't he? % There once was a man named Eugene Who invented a screwing machine Concave and convex It served either sex And it played with itself in between. % There once was a man named McGruder, Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. But the girl thought it crude, To be wooed in the nude, So McGru took an oar and subduder. % There once was a man named McSweeny Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney So just to be couth He added vermouth And slipped his best girl a martini. % There once was a man named Parridge With peculiar views on marriage. He sucked off his brother, Fucked his own mother, And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. % There once was a man with a hernia Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, When you work on my middle Be sure you don't fiddle With things that do not concern ya." % There once was a member of Mensa Who was a most excellent fencer. The sword that he used Was his -- (line is refused, And has now been removed by the censor). % There once was a miner named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave. She was ugly as shit, And missing one tit, But think of the money he saves. % There once was a monk of Camyre Who was seized with a carnal desire And the primary cause Was the abbess's drawers Which were hung up to dry by the fire. % There once was a newspaper vendor, A person of dubious gender. He would charge one-and-two For permission to view His remarkable double pudenda. % There once was a plumber from Leigh, Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, Said she, "Please stop plumbing, I think someone's coming!" Said he, "Yes, love, I know that, it's me." % There once was a pretty young Mrs. Whose tearful but short story thrs. Her mind lost its grasp -- Now she thinks she's an asp And just sits in the corner and hrs. % There once was a queen of Bulgaria Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, Till a prince from Peru Who came up for a screw Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. % There once was a reverend at Kings Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. But his heart was on fire For a boy in the choir Whose buns were like jelly on springs. % There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel Who said, "They can all go to hell! What they do to my wife -- Why it ruins my life; And the worst is they all do it well." % There once was a sailor named Gasted, A swell guy, as long as he lasted, He could jerk himself off In a basket, aloft, Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. % There once was a Scot named McAmeter With a tool of prodigious diameter. It was not the size That cause such surprise; 'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. % There once was a son-of-a-bitch, Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, Yet the girls he would dazzle, And fuck to a frazzle, And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! % There once was a spaceman named Spock Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. A girl from Missouri Whose name was Uhura Just fainted away from the shock. % There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, Discovered his sex life was hapless: The more he would screw The more he'd want to, And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. % There once was a Usenetter named Mark, Whose gender was kept in the dark. He/she/it said with a nod, "My ancestors were odd!" Did Noah need two for the ark? % There once was a whore from Regina Who had a stupendous vagina. To save herself time, She had six at a time, And another one working behind her. % There once was a woman from Arden Who sucked off a man in a garden. He said, "My dear Flo, Where does all that stuff go?" And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" % There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield Engaged to look after the deacon's field, But he lurked in the ditches And diddled the bitches Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. % There once was a young fellow named Blaine, And he screwed some disgusting old jane. She was ugly and smelly, With an awful pot-belly, But... well, they were caught in the rain. % There once was a young girl from Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches She often said, "Shit! I'd give either tit For a guy with equipment that matches." % There once was a young man from Boston Who drove around town in an Austin, There was room for his ass, And a gallon of gas, So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. % There once was a young man from France Who waited ten years for his chance; Then he muffed it... % There once was a young man from Yuma Who attempted sex with a puma He gave up real quick Minus nose, toes, and prick In obvious pain and ill huma. % There once was a young man from Yuma, Who told an elephant joke to a puma. Now his dry bleached bones lie, Under hot Asian skies, 'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. % There once was a young man named Clyde Who fell in an outhouse, and died. He had a twin brother Who fell in another And now they're interred side by side. % There once was a young man named Gene, Who invented a screwing machine. Concave and convex, It served either sex, And it played with itself inbetween. % There once was a young man named Lancelot Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot For when he should pass A desirable lass The front of his pants would advance a lot. % There once was an Arpanet freak, Who better response-time did seek. He searched coast to coast, For a reliable host, Whose logger took less than a week. % There once was an old man from Esser, Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor. % There once was an old man from Esser, Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor. % There once were two brothers named Luntz Who buggered each other at once. When asked to account For this intricate mount, They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." % There once were two women from Birmingham. And this is the story concerning 'em. They lifted the frock And fondled the cock Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. % There was a bluestocking in Florence Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, Till a Spanish grandee, Got her off with his knee, And she burned all her works with abhorrence. % There was a family named Doe, An ideal family to know. As father screwed mother, She said, "You're heavier than brother." And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" % There was a fat lady of China Who'd a really enormous vagina, And when she was dead They painted it red, And used it for docking a liner. % There was a fat man from Rangoon Whose prick was much like a ballon. He tried hard to ride her And when finally inside her She thought she was pregnant too soon. % There was a gay countess of Bray, And you may think it odd when I say, That in spite of high station, Rank and education, She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. % There was a gay dog from Ontario Who fancied himself a Lothario. At a wench's glance He'd snatch off his pants And make for her Mons Venerio. % There was a gay parson of Norton Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. To make up for this loss, He had balls like a horse, And never spent less than a quartern. % There was a gay parson of Tooting Whose roe he was frequently shooting, Till he married a lass With a face like my arse, And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. % There was a girl from Aberystwyth Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. The miller's son Jack Laid her flat on her back And united the organs they pissed with. % There was a lewd fellow named Duff Who loved to dive deep in the muff. With his head in a whirl He said, "Spread it, Pearl; I cunt get enough of the stuff!" % There was a man from Mich. Who used to wish and wich. That spring would come So he could bum Around and go out fich. % There was a pianist named Liszt Who played with one hand while he pissed, But as he grew older His technique grew bolder, And in concert jacked off with his fist. % There was a poor parson from Goring, Who made a small hole in his flooring, Fur-lined it all round, Then laid on the ground, And declared it was cheaper than whoring. % There was a strong man of Drumrig Who one day did seven times frig. He buggered three sailors, Four dogs and two tailors, And ended by fucking a pig. % There was a teenager named Donna Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." Two days out of three She would shoot LSD, And on weekends she smoked marijuana. % There was a young belle of old Natchez Whose garments were always in patchez. When comment arose On the state of her clothes She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." % There was a young blade from South Greece Whose bush did so greatly increase That before he could shack He must hunt needle in stack. 'Twas as bad as being obese. % There was a young bride of Antigua Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! Why, you've only felt my twot, My legs and my arse and my figua!" % There was a young bride, a Canuck, Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. You say that I, maybe, Can have my first baby-- Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" % There was a young chap in Arabia Who courted a widow named Fabia. "Yes, my tongue is as long As the average man's dong," He said, licking the lips of her labia. % There was a young cook with the art Of making a delicious tart With a handful of shit, Some snot and some spit, And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. % There was a young curate whose brain Was deranged from the use of cocaine; He lured a small child To a copse dark and wild, Where he beat it to death with his cane. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young damsel named Baker Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. He yelled, "My God! what Do you call this -- a twat? Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" % There was a young dolly named Molly Who thought that to frig was a folly. Said she, "Your pee-pee Means nothing to me, But I'll do it just to be jolly." % There was a young fellow called Clyde Who fell in an outhouse and died. He had a twin brother Who fell in another So now they're interred side by side. % There was a young fellow from Cal., In bed with a passionate gal. He leapt from the bed, To the toilet he sped; Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" % There was a young fellow from Florida Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. When they got into bed He cried, "God strike me dead! This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" % There was a young fellow from Kent Whose cock was so long that it bent To save himself trouble He put it in double And instead of coming, he went. % There was a young fellow from Leeds Who swallowed a package of seeds. Great tufts of grass Sprouted out of his ass And his balls were all covered with weeds. % There was a young fellow from Parma Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. Said the damsel demure, "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, But I must say you fuck like a farmer." % There was a young fellow name Tucker Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, Said, "Don't bow out your lips Like an elephant's hips, The boys like it best when they pucker." % There was a young fellow named Ades Whose favorite fruit was young maids. But sheep, nigger boys, whores, And the knot holes in doors Were by no means exempt from his raids. % There was a young fellow named Babbitt Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, But a girl from Johore Could do it twice more, Which was just enough extra to crab it. % There was a young fellow named Bill, Who took an atomic pill, His navel corroded, His asshole exploded, And they found his nuts in Brazil. % There was a young fellow named Blaine, And he screwed some disgusting old jane. She was ugly and smelly With an awful pot-belly, But... well, they were caught in the rain. % There was a young fellow named Bliss Whose sex life was strangely amiss, For even with Venus His recalcitrant penis Would never do better than t h i s . % There was a young fellow named Bowen Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. It grew so tremendous, So long and so pendulous, 'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. % There was a young fellow named Brewer Whose girl made her home in a sewer. Thus he, the poor soul, Could get into her hole, And still not be able to screw her! % There was a young fellow named Case Who entered a cunt-lapping race. He licked his way clean Through Number thirteen, But then slipped and got pissed in the face. % There was a young fellow named Charteris Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. Said she, "I don't mind, And higher up you'll find The place where my fucker and farter is." % There was a young fellow named Cribbs Whose cock was so big it had ribs. They were inches apart, And to suck it took art, While to fuck it took forty-two trips. % There was a young fellow named Dick Who had a magnificent prick. It was shaped like a prism And shot so much gism It made every cocksucker sick. % There was a young fellow named Feeney Whose girl was a terrible meany. The hatch of her snatch Had a catch that would latch -- She could only be screwed by Houdini. % There was a young fellow named Fletcher, Was reputed an infamous lecher. When he'd take on a whore She'd need a rebore, And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. % There was a young fellow named Fyfe Whose marriage was ruined for life, For he had an aversion To every perversion, And only liked fucking his wife. Well, one year the poor woman struck, And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, And said, "Where have you gotten us With your goddamn monotonous Fuck after fuck after fuck? "I once knew a harlot named Lou -- And a versatile girl she was, too. After ten years of whoredom She perished of boredom When she married a jackass like you!" % There was a young fellow named Gene Who first picked his asshole quite clean. He next picked his toes, And lastly his nose, And he never did wash in between. % There was a young fellow named Gluck Who found himself shit out of luck. Though he petted and wooed, When he tried to get screwed He found virgins just don't give a fuck. % There was a young fellow named Goody Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? If he found himself nude With a gal in the mood The question's not woody but could he? % There was a young fellow named Grant Who was made like the sensitive plant. When they asked "Do you fuck?" He replied, "No such luck. I would if I could, but I can't." % There was a young fellow named Grimes Who fucked his girl seventeen times In the course of a week -- And this isn't to speak Of assorted venereal crimes. % There was a young fellow named Harry, Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. He grabbed him a virgin, Who, without any urgin', Immediately spread like a fairy. % There was a young fellow named Hatch Who was fond of the music of Bach. He said: "It's not fussy Like Brahms and Debussy; Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." % There was a young fellow named Kimble Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, But fragile and slender, And dainty and tender, So he kept it encased in a thimble. % There was a young fellow named Meek Who invented a lingual technique. It drove women frantic, And made them romantic, And wore all the hair off his cheek. % There was a young fellow named Morgan Who possessed an unusual organ: The end of his dong, Which was nine inches long, Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. % There was a young fellow named Paul Who confessed, "I have only one ball. But the size of my prick Is God's dirtiest trick, For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" % There was a young fellow named Pell Who didn't like cunt very well. He would finger or fuck one, But never would suck one-- He just couldn't get used to the smell. % There was a young fellow named Price Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. He had virgins and boys And mechanical toys, And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! % There was a young fellow named Prynne Whose prick was so short and so thin, His wife found she needed A Fuckoscope -- she did -- To see if he'd gotten it in. % There was a young fellow named Skinner Who took a young lady to dinner At a quarter to nine, They sat down to dine, At twenty to ten it was in her. The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. There was a young fellow named Tupper Who took a young lady to supper. At a quarter to nine, They sat down to dine, And at twenty to ten it was up her. Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! % There was a young fellow named Sweeney, Whose girl was a terrible meanie, The hatch of her snatch, Had a catch that would latch, She could only be screwed by Houdini. % There was a young fellow of Burma Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. But now that he's married he's Been using cantharides And the root of their love is much firmer. % There was a young fellow of Greenwich Whose balls were all covered with spinach. He had such a tool It was wound on a spool, And he reeled it out inich by inich. But this tale has an unhappy finich, For due to the sand in the spinach His ballocks grew rough And wrecked his wife's muff, And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. % There was a young fellow of Harrow Whose john was the size of a marrow. He said to his tart, "How's this for a start? My balls are outside in a barrow." % There was a young fellow of Kent Whose prick was so long that it bent, So to save himself trouble He put it in double, And instead of coming he went. % There was a young fellow of Mayence Who fucked his own arse in defiance Not only of custom And morals, dad-bust him, But of most of the known laws of science. % There was a young fellow of Perth Whose balls were the finest on earth. They grew to such size That one won a prize, And goodness knows what they were worth. % There was a young fellow of Strensall Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. On the night of his wedding It went through the bedding, And shattered the chamber utensil. % There was a young fellow of Warwick Who had reason for feeling euphoric, For he could by election Have triune erection: Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. % There was a young fellow whose dong Was prodigiously massive and long. On each side of his whang Two testes did hang That attracted a curious throng. % There was a young gaucho named Bruno Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. A woman is fine, And a sheep is divine, But a llama is Numero Uno." % There was a young German named Ringer Who was screwing an opera singer. Said he with a grin, "Well, I've sure got it in!" Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" % There was a young girl from Annista Who dated a lecherous mister. He fondled her titty, Got one finger shitty, Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. % There was a young girl from Decatur Who was raped by an alligator. But no one quite knew How she relished that screw, For after he screwed her, he ate her. % There was a young girl from Dundee, From her fanny there grew a plum tree. No one ate the nice fruit, To tell you the truth, Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. % There was a young girl from East Lynn Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) Had filled up her crack With hard-setting shellac, But the boys picked it out with a pin. % There was a young girl from Hong Kong Who said, "You are utterly wrong To say my vagina Is the largest in China Just because of your mean little dong." % There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell, As a shot rang her bell, "I'll give you a ding for a dong!" % There was a young girl from Medina Who could completely control her vagina. She could twist it around Like the cunts that are found In Japan, Manchukuo and China. % There was a young girl from New York Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. A woodpecker or two Made the grade it is true, But it totally baffled the stork. Till along came a man who presented A tool that was strangely indented. With a dizzying twirl He punctured that girl, And thus was the cork-screw invented. % There was a young girl from Peru, Who noticed her lovers were few; So she walked out her door With a fig leaf, no more, And now she's in bed - with the flu. % There was a young girl from Samoa Who pledged that no man would know her. One young fellow tried, But she wriggled aside, And he spilled all his spermatozoa. % There was a young girl from Seattle, Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. But a bull from the South Shot a wad in her mouth That made both her ovaries rattle. % There was a young girl from Siam Who said to her boyfriend Priam, "To seduce me, of course, You'll have to use force, And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. % There was a young girl from St. Cyr Whose reflex reactions were queer. Her escort said, "Mable, Get up off the table; That money's to pay for the beer." % There was a young girl from St. Paul Who went to a newspaper ball. Her dress caught on fire And burnt her entire Front page and sport section and all. % There was a young girl from the Bronix Who had a vagina of onyx. She had so much `tsoris' With her clitoris, She traded it in for a Packard. % There was a young girl from the coast Who, just when she needed it most, Lost her Kotex and bled All over the bed, And the head and the beard of her host. % There was a young girl in Berlin Who eked out a living through sin. She didn't mind fucking, But much preferred sucking, And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. % There was a young girl in Berlin Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. Though he diddled his best, And fucked her with zest, She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" % There was a young girl in Dakota Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: "In addition to gas We are rationing ass, And you've greatly exceeded your quota." % There was a young girl name McKnight Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. She came to in bed, With a split maidenhead-- That's the last time she ever was tight. % There was a young girl named Ann Heuser Who swore that no man could surprise her. But Pabst took a chance, Found a Schlitz in her pants, And now she is sadder Budweiser. % There was a young girl named Heather Whose twitcher was made out of leather. She made a queer noise, Which attracted the boys, By flapping the edges together. % There was a young girl named McCall Whose cunt was exceedingly small, But the size of her anus Was something quite heinous -- It could hold seven pricks and one ball. % There was a young girl named O'Clare Whose body was covered with hair. It was really quite fun To probe with one's gun, For her quimmy might be anywhere. % There was a young girl named O'Malley Who wanted to dance in the ballet. She got roars of applause When she kicked off her drawers, But her hair and her bush didn't tally. % There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire. She said, "It's a sin, But now that it's in, Could you shove it a few inches higher?" % There was a young girl of Aberystwyth Who screwed every man that she kissed with. She tickled the balls Of the men in the halls, And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. % There was a young girl of Aberystwyth Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. The miller's sun, Jack, Laid her flat on her back, And united the organs they pissed with. % There was a young girl of Angina Who stretched catgut across her vagina. From the love-making frock (With the proper sized cock) Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. % There was a young girl of Asturias With a penchant for practices curious. She loved to bat rocks With her gentlemen's cocks -- A practice both rude and injurious. % There was a young girl of Batonger who diddled herself with a conger, When asked how it feels To be pleasured by eels She said, "Just like a man, only longer. % There was a young girl of Ca'lina, Had a very capricious vagina: To the shock of the fucker "Twould suddenly pucker, And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." % There was a young girl of Cape Cod Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. But it wasn't Jehovah That turned the girl over, 'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, the bugger, the bastard, the sod! % There was a young girl of Cape Town Who usually fucked with a clown. He taught her the trick Of sucking his prick, And when it went up -- she went down. % There was a young girl of Coxsaxie Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. She was fucked at the show In the twenty-third row, And once more going home in the taxi. % There was a young girl of Darjeeling Who could dance with such exquisite feeling There was never a sound For miles around Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. % There was a young girl of Des Moines Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, Till a guy from Hoboken Went and dropped in a token, And now she rides free on the ferry. % There was a young girl of Detroit Who at fucking was very adroit: She could squeeze her vagina To a pin-point, or finer, Or open it out like a quoit. And she had a friend named Durand Whose cock could contract or expand. He could diddle a midge Or the arch of a bridge -- Their performance together was grand! % There was a young girl of East Lynne Whose mother, to save her from sin, Had filled up her crack, To the brim with shellac, But the boys picked it out with a pin. % There was a young girl of Gibraltar Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. It really seems odd That a virtuous God Should answer her prayers and assault her. % There was a young girl of LLewellyn Whose breasts were as big as a melon. They were big it is true, But her cunt was big too, Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. % There was a young girl of Mobile, Who hymen was made of chilled steel, To give her a thrill, Took a rotary drill, Or a number nine emery wheel. % There was a young girl of Moline Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. She would work on a prick With every known trick, And finish by winking it clean. % There was a young girl of Newcastle Whose charms were declared universal. While one man in front Wired into her cunt, Another was engaged at her arsehole. % There was a young girl of Pawtucket Whose box was as big as a bucket. Her boy-friend said, "Toots, I'll have to wear boots, For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." % There was a young girl of Penzance Who boarded a bus in a trance. The passengers fucked her, Likewise the conductor, While the driver shot off in his pants. % There was a young girl of Pitlochry Who was had by a man in a rockery. She said, "Oh! You've come All over my bum; This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." % There was a young girl of Rangoon Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. "Well, it has been great fun," She remarked when he'd done, "But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." % There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, Whose people all thought her a virgin, Till they found her in bed With her twat very red, And the head of a kid just emergin'. % There was a young girl who begat Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. T'was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding When she found there's no tit for Tat. % There was a young girl, very sweet, Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. When she sat on their lap She unbuttoned their flap, And always had plenty to eat. % There was a young harlot from Kew Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They'll pay to get out of it too." % There was a young harlot named Schwartz Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, And they tickled so nice She drew a high price From the studs at the summer resorts. Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, Was seldom hard up for a diddle, For according to rumor His tool had a tumor And a fine row of warts down the middle. % There was a young hayseed from Tiffan Whose cock would constantly stiffen. The knob out in front Attracted foul cunt Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. % There was a young idler named Blood, Made a fortune performing at stud, With a fifteen-inch peter, A double-beat metre, And a load like the Biblical Flood. % There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway Whose screams could be heard for a block away. Perceiving his error, The Rabbi in terror Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" % There was a young lad -- name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan Stop jerkin' your gherkin Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. % There was a young lad from Nahant Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. When asked, "Do you fuck?" He replied, "No such luck. I would if I could but I can't." % There was a young lad from Siam, Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. He loved them real small, 'Cause they're funner to ball, So he went out and bought him a lamb! % There was a young lad name of Durcan Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. His father said, "Durcan! Stop jerkin' your gherkin! Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. % There was a young lad name of Ward Who strung himself up with a cord Said he, of his work (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) "I am leaving because I am bored." - E.A. Guest % There was a young lad named McFee Who was stung in the balls by a bee He made oodles of money By oozing pure honey Every time he attempted to pee. % There was a young lady at sea Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." "I see," said the mate, "That accounts for the state Of the captain, the purser, and me." % There was a young lady called Ciss Who went to the river to piss. A young man in a punt Put his hand on her cunt; No wonder she thought it was bliss. % There was a young lady from Bangor Who slept while the ship lay at anchor She woke in dismay When she heard the mate say: "Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" % There was a young lady from Bright, Whose speed was much faster than light. She went out one day In a relative way And returned on the previous night. % There was a young lady from Bristol Who went to the Palace called Crystal. Said she, "It's all glass, And as round as my ass," And she farted as loud as a pistol. % There was a young lady from Brussels Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. She could easily plex them And so interflex them As to whistle love songs through her bustles. % There was a young lady from Drew Who ended her verse at line two. % There was a young lady from Dumfries Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! My navel's all bare, So stick it in there, Before both my legs and my bum freeze." % There was a young lady from Exeter, So pretty that men craned their necks at her. One was even so brave As to take out and wave The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. % There was a young lady from Hyde Who ate a green apple and died. While her lover lamented The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside. % There was a young lady from Hyde Who ate a green apple and died. While her lover lamented The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside. % There was a young lady from Maine Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. % There was a young lady from Munich Who had an affair with a eunuch. At the height of their passion He dealt her a ration From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. % There was a young lady from Norway Who hung by her heels in a doorway. She told her young man, "Get off the divan, I think I've discovered one more way " % There was a young lady from Prentice Who had an affair with a dentist. To make things easier He used anesthesia, And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. % There was a young lady from Rheims Who amazingly pissed in four streams. A friend poked around And a fly-button found Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. % There was a young lady from Rio Who slept with the Fornier trio. As she dropped her panties She said, "No andanties I want this allegro con brio." % There was a young lady from Siam Who said to her lover, one Kiam, "You may kiss me of course, But you'll have to use force. Though god knows you're stronger than I am." % There was a young lady from Spain Who demurely undressed on a train. A helpful young porter Helped more than he orter, And she promptly cried "Help me again" % There was a young lady from Spain Who got sick as she rode on a train; Not once, but again, And again, and again, And again, and again, and again. % There was a young lady from Spain Whose face was exceedingly plain, But her cunt had a pucker That made the men fuck her, Again, and again, and again. % There was a young lady from Troy Had a moustache, just like a young boy Though it tickled to kiss 'Twas a source of much bliss When she used it to brush a man's toy. % There was a young lady from Wheeling Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. But a cynic named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. % There was a young lady from Wheeling Who had a peculiar feeling. She laid on her back And tickled her crack And pissed all over the ceiling. % There was a young lady from Wooster Who complained that too many men gooster. So she traded her scanties For sandpaper panties, Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. % There was a young lady in Reno, Who lost all her dough playing Keno. But she lay on her back, And opened her crack, So now she owns the Casino! % There was a young lady named Alice Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 'Twas the common belief It was done for relief, And not out of protestant malice. % There was a young lady named Astor Who never let any get past her. She finally got plenty By stopping twenty, Which certainly ought to last her. % There was a young lady named Banker, Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, She woke in dismay, When she heard the mate say, "Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." % There was a young lady named Blount Who had a rectangular cunt. She learned for diversion Posterior perversion, Since no one could fit here in front. % There was a young lady named Bower Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. But a poet from Perth Laid her flat on the earth, And proceeded with penis to plough her. % There was a young lady named Brent With a cunt of enormous extent, And so deep and so wide, The acoustics inside Were so good you could hear when you spent. % There was a young lady named Bright Who could travel much faster than light. She took off one day, In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. % There was a young lady named Brook Who never could learn how to cook. But on a divan She could please any man- She knew every darn trick in the book! % There was a young lady named Cager Who, as the result of a wager, Consented to fart The entire oboe part Of Mozart's quartet in F major. % There was a young lady named Ciss Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " But she'll never restate, For a wheel off her skate .siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM % There was a young lady named Clair Who possessed a magnificent pair; At least so I thought Till I saw one get caught On a thorn, and begin losing air. % There was a young lady named Dot Whose cunt was so terribly hot That ten bishops of Rome And the Pope's private gnome Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. % There was a young lady named Duff With a lovely, luxuriant muff. In his haste to get in her One eager beginner Lost both of his balls in the rough. % There was a young lady named Etta Who was constantly seen in a swetta. Three reasons she had: To keep warm wasn't bad, But the other two reasons were betta. % There was a young lady named Fleager Who was terribly, terribly eager To be all the rage On the tragedy stage, Though her talents were pitifully meagre. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young lady named Flo Whose lover had pulled out too slow. So they tried it all night, Till he got it just right... Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. % There was a young lady named Flynn Who thought fornication a sin, But when she was tight It seemed quite all right, So everyone filled her with gin. % There was a young lady named Gilda Who went on a date with a builder. He said that he would, And he could and he should, And he did and it damn well near killed her. % There was a young lady named Gloria Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, And then by six men, Sir Gerald again, And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. % There was a young lady named Gloria, Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" She replied to the chap, "I'll draw you a map, Of where others have been to before ya." % There was a young lady named Grace Who would not take a prick in her "place." Though she'd kiss it and suck it, She never would fuck it-- She just couldn't relax face-to-face. % There was a young lady named Hall, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. The dress caught on fire And burned her entire Front page, sporting section, and all. % There was a young lady named Hatch Who would always come through in a scratch. If a guy wouldn't neck her, She'd grab up his pecker And shove the damn thing up her snatch. % There was a young lady named Mabel Who liked to sprawl out on the table, Then cry to her man, "Stuff in all you can -- Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." % There was a young lady named Mandel Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal By coming out bare On the main village square And frigging herself with a candle. % There was a young lady named Maud, A terrible society fraud: In company, I'm told, She was distant and cold, But if you got her alone, Oh God! % There was a young lady named May Who strolled in a park by the way, And she met a youg man Who fucked her and ran -- Now she goes to the park every day. % There was a young lady named Nance Who learned about fucking in France, And when you'd insert it She'd squeeze till she hurt it, And shoved it right back in your pants. % There was a young lady named Nelly Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. They could tickle her twat Or be tied in a knot, And could even swat flies on her belly. % There was a young lady named Ransom Who was rogered three times in a hansom When she cried out for more Said a voice from the floor, "My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson % There was a young lady named Riddle Who had an untouchable middle. She had many friends Because of her ends, Since it isn't the middle you diddle. % There was a young lady named Rose Who fainted whenever she chose; She did so one day While playing croquet, But was quickly revived with a hose. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young lady named Rose With erogenous zones in her toes. She remained onanistic Till a foot-fetishistic Young man became one of her beaux. % There was a young lady named Schneider Who often kept trysts with a spider. She found a strange bliss, In the hiss of her piss, As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. % There was a young lady named Smith Whose virtue was largely a myth. She said, "Try as I can I can't find a man Who it's fun to be virtuous with." % There was a young lady named Twiss Who said she thought fucking a bliss, For it tickled her bum And caused her to come .siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW % There was a young lady named Wylde Who kept herself quite undefiled By thinking of Jesus; Contagious diseases; And the bother of having a child. % There was a young lady of Arden, The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. Said she with a frown, "I've been sadly let down By the tool of a fool in a garden." % There was a young lady of Bicester Who was nicer by far than her sister: The sister would giggle And wiggle and jiggle, But this one would come if you kissed her. % There was a young lady of Brabant Who slept with an impotent savant. She admitted, "We shouldn't, But it turned out he couldn't- So you can't say we have when we haven't." % There was a young lady of Bude Who walked down the street in the nude. A bobby said, "Whattum Magnificent bottom!" And slapped it as hard as he could. % There was a young lady of Carmia Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. At every cold snap She would climb in your lab, So her little base burner could warm ya. % There was a young lady of Dee Who went down to the river to pee. A man in a punt Put his hand on her cunt, And God! how I wish it were me. % There was a young lady of Dee Whose hymen was split into three. And when she was diddled The middle string fiddled : "Nearer My God To Thee." % There was a young lady of Dexter Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, For whenever they'd start He'd unfailingly fart With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. % There was a young lady of Dover Whose passion was such that it drove her To cry, when you came, "Oh dear! What a shame! Well, now we shall have to start over." % There was a young lady of Ealing And her lover before her was kneeling. Said she, "Dearest Jim, Take your hands off my quim; I much prefer fucking to feeling." % There was a young lady of fashion Who had oodles and oodles of passion. To her lover she said, As they climbed into bed, "Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" % There was a young lady of Fez Who was known to the public as "Jez." Jezebel was her name, Sucking cocks was the game She excelled at (so everyone says). % There was a young lady of Gaza Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. The crabs, in a lump, Made tracks to her rump -- This passing parade did amaze her. % There was a young lady of Gloucester Whose friends they thought they had lost her Till they found on the grass The marks of her arse, And the knees of the man who had crossed her. % There was a young lady of Gloucester, Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. She wasn't much hurt, But he dirtied her skirt, So think of the anguish it cost her. % There was a young lady of Kent, Who admitted she knew what it meant When men asked her to dine, And plied her with wine, She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! % There was a young lady of Lee Who scrambled up into a tree, When she got there Her arsehole was bare, And so was her C U N T. % There was a young lady of Lincoln Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, So she had a prick lent her Which turned it magenta, This artful old lady of Lincoln. % There was a young lady of Natchez Who chanced to be born with two snatches, And she often said, "Shit! Why, I'd give either tit For a man with equipment that matches." There was a young fellow named Locke Who was born with a two-headed cock. When he'd fondle the thing It would rise up and sing An antiphonal chorus by Bach. But whether these two ever met Has not been recorded as yet, Still, it would be diverting To see him inserting His whang while it sang a duet. % There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her toes in a doorway. She said to her beau "Just look at me, Joe! I think I've discovered one more way!" % There was a young lady of Rhyll In an omnibus was taken ill, So she called the conductor, Who got in and fucked her, Which did more good than a pill. % There was a young lady of Spain Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. They did it again And again and again, And again and again and again. % There was a young lady of Twickenham Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. On her knees every day To God she would pray To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. % There was a young lady of Wheeling Said to her beau, "I've a feeling My little brown jug Has need of a plug" -- And straightaway she started to peeling. % There was a young lady who said, As her bridegroom got into the bed, "I'm tired of this stunt, That they do with one's cunt, You can get up my bottom instead." % There was a young lady whose cunt Could accomodate a small punt. Her mother said, "Annie, It matches your fanny, Which never was that of a runt." % There was a young lady whose thighs, When spread showed a slit of such size, And so deep and so wide, You could play cards inside, Much to her bridegroom's surprise. % There was a young lass from Surat. The cheeks of her ass were so fat That they had to be parted Whenever she farted, And also whenever she shat. % There was a young laundress named Wrangle Whose tits tilted up at an angle. "They may tickle my chin," She said with a grin, "But at least they keep out of the mangle." % There was a young maiden from Osset Whose quim was nine inches across it. Said a young man named Tong, With tool nine inches long, "I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." % There was a young man from Bear Ridge Who had strange ideas about marriage. He fucked his wife's mother And sucked off her brother And ate up her sister's miscarriage. % There was a young man from Bel-Aire Who was screwing his girl on the stair. But the banister broke So he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. % There was a young man from Bengal Who claimed he had only one ball, But two little bitches Pulled down this man's breeches And proved he had nothing at all. % There was a young man from Biloxi Whose bowels responded to Moxie. Drinking glass after glass, He would tune up his ass, Till he played like the band at the Roxy. % There was a young man from Bombay Who fashioned a cunt out of clay But the heat of his prick Turned it into a brick And rubbed all his foreskin away. % There was a young man from Boston Who rode around in an Austin. There was room for his ass And a gallon of gas, But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. % There was a young man from Calcutta Who was heard in his beard to mutter, "If her Bartholin glands Don't respond to my hands, I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." % There was a young man from Dallas Who had an exceptional phallus. He couldn't find room In any girl's womb Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. % There was a young man from Dundee Who buggered an ape in a tree. The results were quite horrid: All ass and no forehead, Three balls and a purple goatee. % There was a young man from East Lizes Whose balls were of two different sizes One was so small It was no ball at all The other was large and won prizes. % There was a young man from East Wubley Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. Each quadruplicate shaft Had two balls hanging aft, And the general effect was quite lovely. There was a young man from Hong Kong Who had a trifurcated prong: A small one for sucking, A large one for fucking, And a `boney' for beating a gong. % There was a young man from Glengozzle Who found a remarkable fossil. He knew by the bend And the wart on the end, 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. % There was a young man from Jodhpur Who found he could easily cure His dread diabetes By eating a foetus Served up in a sauce of manure. % There was a young man from Kent Whose tool was so long that it bent. To save himself trouble He put it in double And instead of coming, he went. % There was a young man from LeDoux, Whose limericks stopped at line two. There was a young man from Verdunne. [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please mail it to "fortune". Ed.] % There was a young man from Lynn Whose cock was the size of a pin. Said his girl with a laugh As she felt his staff, "This won't be much of a sin." % There was a young man from Maine Whose prick was as strong as a crane; It was almost as long, So he strolled with his dong Extended in sunshine and rain. % There was a young man from Nantucket Whose cock was so long he could suck it. But he looked in the glass, And saw his own ass, And broke his neck trying to fuck it. % There was a young man from Nantucket Whose cock was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, While wiping his chin, "If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." % There was a young man from New Haven Who had an affair with a raven. He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin, "Nevermore!" % There was a young man from Peru, Who took a long trip by canoe. While staring at Venus, And rubbing his penis, He wound up with a handful of goo. % There was a young man from Purdue Who was only just learning to screw, But he hadn't the knack, And he got too far back -- In the right church, but in the wrong pew. % There was a young man from Racine Who invented a fucking machine. Concave or convex, It served either sex, But oh what a bitch to keep clean. % There was a young man from Rangoon Who used to lament 'neath the moon That he had the luck To be born of a fuck That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. % There was a young man from Salinas Who had an extremely long penis: Believe it or not, When he lay on his cot It reached from Marin to Martinez. % There was a young man from Seattle Whose testicles tended to rattle. He said as he fuck-ed Some stones in a bucket, "If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." % There was a young man from Siam Who said, "I go in with a wham, But I soon lose my starch Like the mad month of March, And the lion comes out like a lamb." % There was a young man from St. Paul's Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" Till he grew such a passion For feminine fashion That he knitted a snood for his balls. % There was a young man from Stamboul Who boasted so torrid a tool That each female crater Explored by this satyr Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. % There was a young man from Tibet-- And this is the strangest one yet-- Whose tool was so long, So pointed and strong, He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". % There was a young man in Havana, Banged his girl on a player-piana. At the height of their fever Her ass hit the lever And: yes, he has no banana. % There was a young man in Norway, Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, But the air was so frigid It froze his cock rigid, And all he could come was frappe. % There was a young man in the choir Whose penis rose higher and higher, Till it reached such a height It was quite out of sight -- But of course you know I'm a liar. % There was a young man named Crockett Whose balls got caught in a socket. His wife was a bitch, Yeah, she threw the switch, And Crockett went off like a rocket. % There was a young man named Hughes Who swore off all kinds of booze. He said, "When I'm muddled My senses get fuddled, And I pass up too many screws." % There was a young man named Knute Who had warts all over his root. He put acid on these And now when he pees, He fingers the thing like a flute. % There was a young man named Laplace Whose balls were made out of spun glass. When they banged together They played "Stormy Weather" And lightning shot out of his ass. % There was a young man named McNamiter With a tool of prodigious diameter. But it wasn't the size Gave the girls a surprise, But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. % There was a young man named Rex Who really was small for his sex. When tried for exposure The judge's disclosure Was "de minimus non curat lex." % There was a young man named Zerubbabel Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. When they asked if his pleasure Was only half measure, He replied, "That is highly improbable." % There was a young man named Zerubbabub Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club But the pride of his life Were the tits of his wife -- One real, and one India-rubber bub. % There was a young man of Arras Who stretched himself out on the grass, And with no little trouble, He bent himself double, And stuck his prick well up his ass. % There was a young man of Australia Who went on a wild bacchanalia. He buggered a frog, Two mice and a dog, And a bishop in fullest regalia. % There was a young man of Belgrade Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. I will suck, without charge, Any cock, if it's large. If it's small, I expect to be paid." % There was a young man of Belgrade Who slept with a girl in the trade. She said to him, "Jack, Try the hole in the back; The front one is badly decayed." % There was a young man of Bengal Who swore he had only one ball, But two little bitches Unbuttoned his britches, And found he had no balls at all. % There was a young man of Bombay Who buggered his dad once a day. He said, "I like, rather, Fucking my father -- He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." % There was a young man of Calcutta, Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. When he got to c-u, A pious Hindoo Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. % There was a young man of Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born, And he wouldn't have been If his father had seen That the end of the rubber was torn. % There was a young man of Coblenz Whose ballocks were simply immense: It took forty-four draymen, A priest and three laymen To carry them thither and thence. % There was a young man of Darjeeling Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. In the electric light socket, He'd put it and rock it-- Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! % There was a young man of Devizes, Whose balls were of different sizes. One was so small, It was nothing at all; The other took numerous prizes. % There was a young man of Dumfries Who said to his girl, "If you please, It would give me great bliss If, while playing with this, You would pay some attention to these!" % There was a young man of Greenwich Whose balls were all covered with spinach. So long was his tool That it wound round a spool, And he let it out inach by inach. % There was a young man of high station Who was found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To -- I won't say a bitch -- But a woman of no reputation. % There was a young man of Khartoum Who lured a poor girl to her doom. He not only fucked her, But buggered and sucked her-- And left her to pay for the room. % There was a young man of Khartoum, The strength of whose balls was his doom. So strong was his shootin', The third law of Newton Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. % There was a young man of Kildare Who was fucking a girl on the stair. The bannister broke, But he doubled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air. % There was a young man of Kutki Who could blink himself off with one eye. For a while though, he pined, When his organ declined To function, because of a stye. % There was a young man of Lahore Whose prick was one inch and no more. It was all right for key-holes And little girl's pee-holes, But not worth a damn with a whore. % There was a young man of Lake Placid Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. When he wanted to sport He would have to resort To injections of sulphuric acid. % There was a young man of Madras Whose balls were constructed of brass. When jangled together They played "Stormy Weather", And lightning shot out of his ass. % There was a young man of Missouri Who fucked with a terrible fury. Till hauled into court For his beastial sport, And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. % There was a young man of Natal And Sue was the name of his gal. One day, north of Aden, He got his hard rod in, And came clear up Suez Canal. % There was a young man of Natal Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. Said she, "You're a sluggard!" Said he, "You be buggered! I like to fuck slow and I shall." % There was a young man of Ostend Who let a girl play with his end. She took hold of Rover, And felt it all over, And it did what she didn't intend. % There was a young man of Ostend Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. "It's no use, my duck, Interrupting our fuck, For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." % There was a young man of Saskatchewan, Whose penis was truly gargantuan. It was good for large whores, And for small dinosaurs, And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. % There was a young man of Seattle Who bested a bull in a battle. With fire and gumption He assumed the bull's function, And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. % There was a young man of St. John's Who wanted to bugger the swans. But the loyal hall porter Said, "Pray take my daughter! Those birds are reserved for the dons." % There was a young man of Tibet -- And this is the strangest one yet -- His prick was so long, And so pointed and strong, He could bugger six sheep en brochette. % There was a young man of Toulouse Who had a deficient prepuce, But the foreskin he lacked He made up in his sac; The result was, his balls were too loose. % There was a young man who appeared To his friends with a full growth of beard; They at once said, "Although We can't say why it's so, The effect is uncommonly weird." -- Edward Gorey % There was a young man who said "God, I find it exceedingly odd, That the willow oak tree Continues to be, When there's no one about in the Quad." "Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, For I'm always about in the Quad; And that's why the tree, Continues to be," Signed "Yours faithfully, God." % There was a young man with a fiddle Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" She replied, "Yes, I do, But prefer to with two -- It's twice as much fun in the middle." % There was a young man with a prick Which into his wife he would stick Every morning and night If it stood up all right -- Not a very remarkable trick. His wife had a nice little cunt: It was hairy, and soft, and in front, And with this she would fuck him, Though sometimes she'd suck him -- A charming, if commonplace, stunt. % There was a young man with one foot Who had a very long root. If he used this peg As an extra leg Is a question exceedingly moot. % There was a young man, name of Fred, Who spent every Thursday in bed; He lay with his feet Outside of the sheet, And the pillows on top of his head. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young man, name of Saul, Who was able to bounce either ball, He could stretch them and snap them, And juggle and clap them, Which earned him the plaudits of all. % There was a young miss from Johore Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; In a manner uncanny She'd wobble her fanny, And drain your nuts dry to the core. % There was a young monk from Siberia Whose life got drearia' and drearia' Till he did to a nun What shouldn't be done And made her a mother superia'. % There was a young monk of Dundee Who complained that it hurt him to pee, He said, "Pax vobiscum, Now why won't the piss come? I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." % There was a young parson of Harwich, Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. She said, "No, you young goose, Just try self-abuse. And the other we'll try after marriage." % There was a young peasant named Gorse Who fell madly in love with his horse. Said his wife, "You rapscallion, That horse is a stallion -- This constitutes grounds for divorce." % There was a young person of Kent Who was famous wherever he went. All the way through a fuck, He would quack like a duck, And he crowed like a cock when he spent. % There was a young plumber named Lee Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. She said, "Stop your plumbing, There's somebody coming" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." % There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know, It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that Last line that I can." % There was a young royal marine, Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". When he reached the soprano Out came only guano And his britches weren't fit to be seen. % There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, "'Pon my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There's plenty of room in the right one." % There was a young sapphic named Anna Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, Which she sucked, bit by bit, From her partner's warm slit, In the most approved lesbian manner. % There was a young Scot in Madrid Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. When they said, "Are you faint?" He replied, "No, I ain't, But I don't feel as good as I did." % There was a young soldier from Munich Whose penis hung down past his tunic, And their chops girls would lick When they thought of his prick, But alas! he was only a eunuch. % There was a young sportsman named Peel Who went for a trip on his wheel; He pedalled for days Through crepuscular haze, And returned feeling somewhat unreal. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young squaw of Wohunt Who possessed a collapsible cunt. It had many odd uses, Produced no papooses, And fitted both giant and runt. % There was a young student from Yale Who was getting his first piece of tail. He shoved in his pole, But in the wrong hole, And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" % There was a young tenor named Springer, Got his testicles caught in a wringer. He hollered in pain, As they rolled down the drain, "There goes my career as a singer!" % There was a young trollop at Yale, Who had verses tattooed on her tail, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, A duplicate version in Braille. % There was a young whore from Kaloo Who filled her vagina with glue. She said with a grin, "If they pay to get in, They can pay to get out again too!" % There was a young woman called Pearl Who quite resembled a churl; When she asked a young man named Tex Whether he would like to have sex, "Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" % There was a young woman from Bude, Who went for a swim in the nude, But a man in a punt, Grabbed at her elbow, And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." % There was a young woman in Dee Who stayed with each man she did see. When it came to a test She wished to be best, And practice makes perfect, you see. % There was a young woman named Alice Who peed in a Catholic chalice. She said, "I do this From a great need to piss, And not from sectarian malice." % There was a young woman named Ells Who was subject to curious spells When got up very oddly, She'd cry out things ungodly by the palms in expensive hotels. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young woman named Florence Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, But they found her in bed With her cunt flaming red, And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. % There was a young woman named Plunnery Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. Till one day unobservant, She blew up a servant, And was forced to retire to a nunnery. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young woman named Sutton Who said, as she carved up the mutton, "My father preferred The last sheep in the herd -- This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." % There was a young woman of Cheadle, Who once gave the clap to a beadle. Said she, "Does it itch?" "It does, you damned bitch, And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." % There was a young woman of Condover Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. Her pussy was juicy, Her arse soft and goosey, But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. % There was a young woman of Croft Who played with herself in a loft, Having reasoned that candles Could never cause scandals, Besides which they did not go soft. Said another young woman of Croft, Amusing herself in the loft, "A salami or wurst Is what I'd choose first -- With bologna you know you've been boffed." % There was a young woman whose stammer Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; But they were not improved When her husband was moved To knock out her teeth with a hammer. -- Edward Gorey % There was a young woman, quite handsome, Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. When she offered much gold For release, she was told That the view was worth more than the ransom. % There was an old abbess quite shocked To find nuns where the candles were locked. Said the abbess, "You nuns Should behave more like guns, And never go off till you're cocked." % There was an old bishop from Buckingham Who fell in love with some oysters while shuckingham. His wife with distain Could scarcely restrain That sprightly old bishop from fuckingham. % There was an old count of Swoboda Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. So, with great savoir-faire, She stood on a chair And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. % There was an old curate of Hestion Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. But so small was his tool He could scarce screw a spool, And a cunt was quite out of the question. % There was an old fellow named Art Who awoke with a horrible start, For down by his rump Was a generous lump Of what should have been just a fart. % There was an old fellow named Skinner Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. But still, by and large, It would always discharge Once he could just get it in her. % There was an old feminine blighter Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. She would cream her own pool While she sucked off his tool -- How his cock in her cunt would excite her! % There was an old gent from Kentuck Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, But he put it away For fear that one day He might put it in and get stuck. % There was an old girl of Kilkenny Whose usual charge was a penny. For half of that sum You could finger her bum-- A source of amusement to many. % There was an old harlot from Dijon Who in her old age got religion. "When I'm dead & gone," Said she, "I'll take on The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." % There was an old hermit named Dave Who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said "I'll admit I'm a bit of a shit, But look at the money I save." % There was an old lady of Bingly Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. I thought I had got A bloke for my twat, But he seems rather queenly than kingly." % There was an old lady of Glascow, Whose party proved quite a fiasco. At nine-thirty, about, The lights all went out, Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. % There was an old lady of Kewry Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': The `introitus vaginae', Was unnaturally tiny, And the thought of it filled her with fury. % There was an old lady who lay With her legs wide apart in the hay, Then, calling the ploughman, She said, "Do it now, man! Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." % There was an old maid from Cape Cod Who thought all good things came from god. But it wasn't the almighty Who lifted her nighty, It was Roger, the lodger, by god. % There was an old man from Bengal Who liked to do tricks in the hall. His favorite trick Was to stand on his dick While he rolled around on one ball. % There was an old man from Duluth Whose cock was shot off in his youth. He fucked with his nose Or his fingers and toes And he came thru a hole in his tooth. % There was an old man from Fort Drum Whose son was incredibly dumb. When he urged him ahead, He went down instead, For he thought to succeed meant succumb. % There was an old man of Alsace Who played the trombone with his ass. He put in a trap To take out the crap, But the vapors corroded the brass. % There was an old man of Brienz The length of whose cock was immense: With one swerve he could plug A boy's bottom in Zug, And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. % There was an old man of Cajon Who never could get a good bone. With the aid of a gland It grew simply grand; Now his wife cannot leave it alone. % There was an old man of Calcutta Who spied through a chink in the shutter. But all he could see Was his wife's bare knee, And the back of the bloke who was up her. % There was an old man of Connaught Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "This isn't a prick, it's a wart." % There was an old man of Duddee Who came home as drunk as could be. He wound up the clock With the end of his cock, And buggered his wife with the key. % There was an old man of Duluth Whose cock was shot off in his youth. He fucked with his nose And with fingers and toes, And he came through a hole in his tooth. % There was an old man of Hong Kong Who never did anything wrong. He would lie on his back With his head in a sack And secretly finger his dong. % There was an old man of St. Bees, Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. When asked, "Does it hurt?" He relied, "No, it doesn't. I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." -- W.S. Gilbert % There was an old man of Tagore Whose tool was a yard long or more, So he wore the damn thing In a surgical sling To keep it from wiping the floor. % There was an Old Man of the Mountain Who frigged himself into a fountain Fifteen times had he spent, Still he wasn't content, He simply got tired of the counting. % There was an old man of the port Whose prick was remarkably short. When he got into bed, The old woman said, "This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" % There was an old man who said, "Tush! My balls always hang in the brush, And I fumble about, Half in and half out, With a pecker as limber as mush." % There was an old man with a beard Who said, "It is just what I feared! Two owls and a hen, Four larks and a wren Have all built their nests in my beard!" % There was an old person of Ware Who had an affair with a bear. He explained, "I don't mind, For it's gentle and kind, But I wish it had slightly less hair." % There was an old pirate named Bates Who was learning to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And practically useless on dates. % There was an old satyr named Mack Whose prick had a left handed tack. If the ladies he loves Don't spin when he shoves, Their cervixes frequently crack. % There was an old Scot named McTavish Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. The object of rape Was the wrong sex of ape, And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. % There was an old whore from Silesia Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, For a slight extra sum You can go up my bum But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." % There was an old whore in the Azores Whose body was covered with festers & sores. Why the dogs in the street Wouldn't eat the green meat That hung in festoons from her drawers. % There was an old woman of Ghent Who swore that her cunt had no scent. She got fucked so often At last she got rotten, And didn't she stink when she spent. % There was once a mechanic named Bench Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. With this vibrant device He could reach, in a trice, The innermost parts of a wench. % There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel Who said, "They can all go to hell! What they do to my wife-- Why it ruins my life; And the worst is, they all do it well. % There were three ladies of Huxham, And whenever we meets 'em we fuxham, And when that game grows stale We sits on a rail, And pulls out our pricks and they suxham. % There were three young ladies of Birmingham, And this is the scandal concerning 'em. They lifted the frock And tickled the cock Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, He'd been to a good public school, So he took down their britches And buggered those bitches With his ten-inch episcopal tool. Then up spoke a lady from Kew, And said, as the Bishop withdrew, "The vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker, And longer and stronger than you." -- Abuses of the Clergy % There's a charming young girl in Tobruk Who refers to her quiff as a nook. It's deep and it's wide, -- You can curl up inside With a nice easy chair and a book. % There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu Who's often been screwed by yours truly, But now--it's appallin'-- My balls always fall in! I fear that I've fucked her unduly. % There's a dowager near Sweden Landing Whose manners are odd and demanding. It's one of her jests To suck off her guests -- She hates to keep gentlemen standing. % There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, But her cunt's got a pucker That's best not to fuck, or When least you expect it to, it'll lock. % There's a rather odd couple in Herts Who are cousins (or so each asserts); Their sex is in doubt For they're never without Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. -- Edward Gorey % There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, Who's been coxing the varsity crew. In the shell Sue is great, But her boyfriend's irate, When she calls out the stroke as they screw. % There's a tavern in London that's staffed, By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: In her striving to please, She serves ale on her knees, So the patrons get head with their draft. % There's a very hot babe at the Aggies Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. The seniors go round Hanging down to the ground, And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. % There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, Since his shocking perversions are various... He will bugger some lad With a dildo (the cad!) While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" % There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. When one pireg is shot, There's that alternate twat, But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. % There's an oversexed lady named Whyte Who insists on a dozen a night. A fellow named Cheddar Had the brashness to wed her- His chance of survival is slight. % There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, Exceedingly hard to get onto, But when you get there, And have parted the hair, You can fuck her as much as you want to. % They had come in the fugue to the stretto When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto Slipped forward and grabbed Her tresses and stabbed Her to death with a rusty stiletto. -- Edward Gorey % This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend even you. So I'll put "di-dah" for the filthy words: Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; di-dah di-dah di-dah? Di-dah di-dah di-dah. Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. % Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, Was to do what man normally does, She declared, "I'm a Soul-- Not a sexual goal!" So he shrugged and called someone who was. % Though most of the crewmen are whites, Uhura has full equal rights. Her crewmates, you see, Love De-mo-cra-cy, And the way that she fills out her tights. % Though the invalid Saint of Brac Lay all of his life on his back, His wife got her share, And the pilgrims now stare At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. % 'Tis a custom in Castellamare To fuck in the back of a lorry. The chassis and springs Are like woodwinds and strings In the midst of a musical soiree. % To a weepy young woman in Thrums Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes Of allowing your tears To fall into my ears - I think they have rotted the drums." -- Edward Gorey % To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. Their fertility was somewhat unstable. He constructed a bed Out of tree trunks and said, "Even adders can multiply on a log table." % To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! Your cunt is as big as a dish!" She replied, "Why, you fool, With your limp little tool It's like driving a nail with a fish!" % To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : "I trust you will show some forbearance. My sexual habits I picked up from rabbits, And occasionally watching my parents." % To his bride said economist Fife : "The semen you'll launch as my wife, We will salvage and freeze To resemble goat's cheese, And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." % To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, "Can it be that my eyesight's defective? Is your east tit the least bit The best of your west tit, Or is it a trick of perspective?" % To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, As he poured his post-prandial tipple, "Your mother's behaviour Gave pain to Our Saviour, And that's why He made you a cripple." -- Edward Gorey % Two anglers were fishing off Wight And his bobber was dipping all night. Murmured she, with a laugh, "It's ready to gaff, But don't break your rod which is light." A couple was fishing near Clombe When the maid began looking quite glum, And said, "Bother the fish! I'd rather coish!" Which they did -- which was why they had come. As two consular clerks in Madras Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, "What a marvelous pole," Said she, "but control Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." % Two eager young men from Cawnpore Once buggared and fucked the same whore. But her partition split And the blood and the shit Rolled out in a mess on the floor. % Two roosters in one of our pens Found their pricks were no larger than wens. As they looked at their foreskins And wished they had more skins, They discovered they'd both become hens. % Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; "La vie religieuse, "The religious life C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. -- Edward Gorey % Under the spreading chestnut tree The village smith he sat, Amusing himself By abusing himself And catching the load in his hat. % Une joile epousetta a Tours Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. Mais le mari disait, "Non! De trop n'est pas bon! Mon derriere exige du secours!" % Visas erat: huic geminarum Dispar modus testicularum: Minor haec nihili, Palma triplici, Jam fecerat altera clarum. % We dedicate this to the cunt, The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : All hail to the twat, Willing, thrilling, and hot, That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! % We sailed on the good ship Venus, My God, you should have seen us With a figurehead Of a whore in bed And the mast an upright penis The captain of the lugger Was known as a filthy bugger Declared unfit To shovel shit From one ship to another The first mate's name was Cooper, By god he was a trooper He jerked and jerked Until he worked Himself into a stupor The cabin boy was chipper, A dandy little nipper He shoved cracked glass Inside his ass And circumcised the skipper The captain's wife was Charlotte, Born and bred a harlot Her thighs at night Were lily white By morning they were scarlet The captain's youngest daughter Slipped into the water Her plaintive squeals Announced that eels Had found her sexual quarter The ship's dog's name was Rover, They turned the poor beast over And ground and ground That faithful hound From Tenerief to Dover % Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse By all of the lads in his class He said, with a yawn, "Now the novelty's gone And it's only a pain in the ass." % "Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, "And told my wife to try it on top. She bounced for an hour, Till she ran out of power, And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." % "Well, madam," the bishop declared, While the vicar just mumbled and stared, "'Twere better, perhaps, In the crypt or the apse, Because sex in the nave must be shared." % When he tried to inject his huge whanger A young man aroused his girl's anger. As they strove in the dark She was heard to remark, "What you need is a zeppelin hanger." % When I was a baby, my penis Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. But now 'this as red As her nipples instead-- All because of the feminie genus! % When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, "Was he modest or vain?" "Was he regal or plain?" She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" % When you fuck little Annie in Anza You get a great bossom bonanza: Sucking Annie's soft tits Makes her throw fifty fits, And the fuck is a sextravaganza! % While his duchess lay practically dead, The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: "Can it be this is all? How puny! How small! Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." -- Edward Gorey % While I, with my usual enthusiasm, Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, She explained, "They are flat, But think nothing of that -- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." % While I, with my usual enthusiasm, Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, She explained, "They are flat, But think nothing of that -- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." % While out on a date in his Fiat, The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" As he bent down to seek, She let out a shriek: "That's not where it's likely to be at." % While spending the winter at Pau Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." So the head-porter made her And the second-cook laid her; The waiters were all hanging low. % While Titian was mixing rose madder, His model reclined on a ladder. Her position to Titian Suggested coition, So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. % While travelling in farthest Tibet, Lord Irongate found cause to regret The buttered-up tea, A pain in his knee, And the frivolous tourists he met. -- Edward Gorey % Winter is here with his grouch, The time when you sneeze and you slouch. You can't take your women Canoein' or swimmin', But a lot can be done on a couch. % With his penis in turgid erection, And aimed at woman's mid-section, Man looks most uncouth In that Moment of Truth, But she sheathes it with loving affection. % You Women's Lib gals won't agree, But dependent on men you must be: You'll need a him With a rod firm and trim, To puggle your water-drains free! % You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : He buggers the choir As they sing "Ave Maria," And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. % Young Frederick the great was a beaut. To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. If you'll come to my palace, I'll finger your phallus, And then I shall blow on your flute." %